Another memory in the making.

In just under 8 hours time, I will be buying three tickets to go and see Aiden for the second time. I think I may actually wee - I am that excited. I really, really, really want to meet wiL again. And of course all the others. I want a picature with Nick and with Jake if possible, because they're lovely and they're the two I don't have picatures with yet. And Adele's coming to stay with me for the weekend specially! YAYYYY!

It's going to be....amazing.

Sweet Nothings and Drawn Out Lies

Don't ask about the title - I just thought it fit. Anyway - this is a little bit of a song that I have actually written. Me. Myself. I'm so proud, you can't imagine - all the lyrics I've written before have been crap and without any real meaning behind them. Well, here's to the future...let's hope I can write stuff as good as this then as well!


Sweet Nothings and Drawn Out Lies

Holding hands in front of movie screens
Clichéd lines in those cliché scenes
I fell long ago and we’re pretty secure
But I’m not sure if safe’s what I want anymore

I said there’s comfort in control
But if we’re going down, honey, I wanna let myself go

I’ll whisper into the hum of the telephone
“Sorry, honey, but I gotta go.”
You love me – that much is true –
But I want adventure, and there’s none with you.

Religion.

I want to make my views on this subject very, very clear. The last couple of days have been hell at my house, all because my family cannot seem to grasp that I am not going to blindly believe in some guy that lived and died 2000 years ago. This is not a general religious discussion - this is a blog about my views on Christianity.

As you are probably all aware, Christianity began roughly 2000 years ago, after the death and supposed resurrection of someone called Jesus of Nazareth. Bollocks. The only people who said that Jesus came back from the grave were his best mates. Let's face it, it's a pretty unlikely story. If it was someone else that had said it - perhaps someone who didn't believe in all the stuff Jesus was saying - then maybe it'd be more plausible. But, of course, Jesus only chose to 'appear' in rooms that were locked and contained only the people that had known him in life. There's no hard evidence.

Then you have the problem of the conflicting evidence. Mark's Gospel is believed to have come first out of the four gospels, according to Mrs Wood. Then can someone tell me why the three that were written hundreds of years later, with the same events happening with more symbolic stuff, are still believed? For god's sake - even the end of Mark's gospel was made up. What the hell is wrong with all you people?! You're believing someone's fucking imagination. A lot of the stuff that happens in the bible is said because it symbolises something else: the Syro-Phonecian women's daughter represents the Gentiles; the Jews choose Barabas over Jesus to be saved because the writer wanted it to make it seem like the Jews fault that Jesus was crucified, seeing as he didn't want his Roman readers to be offended....it's all a pile of fucking bullshit. How can I - or anyone, for that matter - be expected to believe in a religion that doesn't even tell the whole truth, or hides the truth in this huge cloud of symbolism?

Now, I wanna bring it forward to the modern day. Can anyone tell me why I should follow a religion where the different 'versions' can't agree with each other? They're teaching the same fucking religion, talking about the same fucking man and the same fucking god and reading from the same fucking book! But for some reason, the Roman Catholics'll say one thing, but the Free churches will say another and then the Quakers'll say summat else! What the actual hell? It's ridiculous. From what I understand, Roman Catholics don't even seem to be living on this planet - I'm allowed to say that too, seeing as I live with four of them. I asked my own father - seriously - if he would allow me to have an abortion if I'd been raped and got pregnant; he said no. Since when did the rights of a fucking ball of cells preside over mine - since my dad was a Roman Catholic, that's why. He wouldn't allow me that because he thinks that life begins at conception. Will someone tell me where in the bible it says that?

Christianity is blinding. It's a disease. I don't give a shit if everyone else reading this thinks I'm wrong and hates me forever - believe me, I've been disowned by my own family this week for saying I don't want to follow their religion. I think I can cope with losing a few other people too. I've tried and tried and tried to understand the religion and learn more about it and see if I can accept it, but I can't. It makes me physically ill. There are millions and millions of people out there in the world that are believing a 2000 year old lie.

Yes, I know some of the principals are very honourable - love your neighbour, give to the poor, respect your family, all that. I could probably accept the principals if I didn't have to follow all the other rules and regulations that go along with it - like having to go to church and worship in the set way - but that's not how Christianity works.

The world really needs to wake up.

The blog that I promised.

This is a blog for my friends. These four girls and boy make me smile, a lot. One of them I hardly speak to anymore, because he's always so busy, what with being at uni and stuff. But this blog is just me saying how much I adore these kids and why. They probably don't feel that same way back - that's fine with me. I'm not anything remotely interesting. But these kids really are; so here's a little something for them.

Charlotte - people reading this probably know her as Ches. Ches and I have been good friends since the summer of 2006. We've had some good memories; we've had some bad ones. We've had times when we've practically been at each other's throats. But the fact of the matter is that I couldn't do without this girl if I tried. I miss her when she's not around. Our weeks away in Wales have been legendary. She obsesses over Gerard Way, but that's cool. It's kinda intimidating when you walk in her room though. Either way, I don't care. She's been there for me whenever I've needed her - listening to me when I'm upset, laughing with me when I'm happy, allowing me to drag her to gigs...things that most people out there wouldn't stand for. I know that I'm a burden on her a lot of the time, but she doesn't seem to mind (most of the time!). We're best friends till forever and I know that. We've got our whole life together: we're gonna be in a band together, I'm gonna tell her who her future husband is and we're gonna stay neighbours until we're really, really old. She's a weirdo - I'm a weirdo. We fit together and our friendship is one of the most beautiful things in my life. I really love her. Honest.

Annabel - definitely one of the craziest people I have ever come across in my life. She's the kind of person that will start giggling for no real reason. And yet, she's also incredibly sensitive and loving. I still giggle when I think about our week in Italy - memories of which include a pervy salesmen, a funny Italian woman and drunk guys in a pub wanting a bang with us. She doesn't hate me, even after I dyed her hair in the shittiest way possible. I don't really know what I'd do without her because, tbh, she's one of the few people in my life that can cheer me up, no matter what's wrong with me. I really hope that she comes along with me and Ches, dressed in her penguin suit, and starts the crowds for our band. That will be the funniest thing since ever! And, of course, I hope she ends up with Patrick Stump someday :P I love Annabel - and she better effing believe it!

Ellie - boobies. That word sums Ellie up. Not just because she has big boobs (which is true) but also because she seems to have an obsession with touching everyone else's! I feel so comfortable with Ellie, and we actually talk about everything under the sun with her, including naughty things that most people would think I'm a freak for discussing. I love her poetry and all her photography. I don't know how one person has managed to cope with all the stuff that's happened to her and still be as bright and bubbly as she is, but she's done it. Her eyes fascinate me. And maybe she's sat there now, reading this with tears in her eyes and thinking, 'Oh, Roobear is silly!', but it's the truth and I have to say it. Ellie is one of the closest friends I have and I wouldn't - couldn't - trade her for anything in this world. I lobe you, Ellie!

Adele - maybe I've not known her as long as I have everyone else on this, but I don't think that really matters. Adele is actually brilliant, with no exaggeration. Our time at the Angel gig in Manchester should go in the history books, it was so much fun. All our crazy MySpace conversations are fun to think back on, including the one where we decided that we were gonna dress up for X-Factor and sing the Fast Food song. I really hope that we can go travelling together for the next Aiden shows. I think she knows secretly that she's meant to be with wiL! Whenever I write something to do with Aiden, it's always her opinion that matters the most to me, which is why I'm sorta dreading letting her read Sunsets and Car Crashes. But she is lovely and I don't really know what life would be without her now. I just hope that we stay close and have many, many, many more fun conversations, adventures and memories to come. I love you!

Scoot - is the friendliest Yeti that you'll ever meet. I remember talking to him when I was 12; he probably thought that I was the most ridiculous child that he's ever known. But we've grown up (sort of) together and it's been a fantastic friendship. He's been there for me through all the hard times...and all the good times. We've had some pretty immature moments, including the fruit war and him experimenting with his webcam, as well as all the serious ones. I couldn't ask for anyone better. He is seriously just like a big brother to me. I really can't wait for this summer - he's promised to come and see me. It will actually make my summer! I really miss him now, too, seeing as he's at uni. But he's happy and that's all that I'm really bothered about. If he gets hurt, it upsets me, just because I know how fantastic he is and how much good stuff he deserves. I love you, Scooty!

There you go. Mini essays on my closest pals. If you ain't one of them, I hope you enjoyed it anyway.

To make things easier,

Please allow me to explain. Imagine your body. Imagine having nothing inside you apart from this abyss that seems to weigh more than the entire world. Imagine that you can hide it, even though it feels like it should be dragging you under the earth beneath your feet. Imagine that, no matter how much you try to push it out and fill it with light, it still manages to be there.

And now imagine that you don't even know why your body is no longer your own.

What a drama.

(For the record, the following is fictional.)


Dear World,
I stand before you, wishing that I was different. You get those moments in life where you wish that you could change your life for the better, but to do that you have to hurt other people. I have spent my life worrying about others and I have discovered why. If I do things my way - for myself - then I am shouted down, insulted and once again made into nothing.

I am not about to condone my own actions. Right now, I wish nothing more than to be back in his arms and smiling at my children. I'd tell them that mommy ain't gonna leave again and that I missed them every second that I was away from them. Sadly, I am a terrible liar. I love my family - believe me, the six of them are my entire world...but I wanted more world than just being a wife and a mother. I wanted to be somebody. Instead, I have become a something. What kind of woman in a modern world honestly wants to stay at home and do nothing except cook for and clean up after other people. I have dreams, y'know? I have aspirations which lie beyond the kitchen and the bedroom.

Sometimes, we have to become monsters to save those we love. I am not a bad person, believe it or not. Most people find me very easy to talk to and good fun to have around. I'm eccentric, I'm always smiling, I talk all the time...and yet I say nothing. You could probably talk to me for a good few hours and quite enjoy yourself, but when we're separated, you'll realise that we talked about nothing. You won't know me any better and you'll have made no revelations. There were no secrets spilled and the gossip was common knowledge.

In short, ladies and gentlemen, I want you to stop looking for me. The person that you're searching for no longer exists and the person that's in her place needs to be earned. Friends I might have once called close are pretending that I don't exist. I miss my family, ladies and gentlemen, but I'm not sure I belong there.

Always remember - even roses have thorns. But I am a nettle, and I'm poisonous.
R xo

25 facts.

I'm bored in music (what a surprise) and so I feel like doing another list of facts about me. These are all completely random so, if you don't quite get summat, just ask me about it and I'll do my very best to explain it for you.

1. I am terrified of the dark.
2. I have dreams sometimes that are so realistic that I swear they're the future. Unfortunately, the situations that I dream will almost certainly never happen.
3. I don't believe in a god or Jesus. I believe that, yes, there is a higher power, but giving it a name is bloody stupid.
4. People think I'm an attention seeker. It's partly true - I just like to have support and assurance.
5. I sometimes wish that the life I had before I was 13 could be chopped out of my history.
6. I once had a panic attack because I was convinced that I was insane and that I was going to be taken away in a straight-jacket.
7. Ches is the bestest friend I have ever had. Bar none.
8. I am secretly adventurous.
9. I have the smallest appetite of anyone that I know of. I once went for three days with only one packet of crisps and I didn't get hungry.
10. I probably have an alright figure, but I see myself as practically obese when I look in the mirror. It's because I've been bullied so much in my life. If I talk about being fat, I'm not looking for attention there. I honestly think it.
11. William Roy Francis is amazing and has saved my life so many times.
12. I love making new friends.
13. I am convinced that we used to have a poltergeist in our house.
14. I get really, really, really happy whenever anyone compliments me.
15. I'm a virgin.
16. I would be lost without my iPod.
17. I could play Tetris all day without getting bored. It's the best game in the whole entire world.
18. My closest friends are: Ches, Annabel, Ellie, Adele and Scoot. I may write a blog just talking about them all at some point, just to let them know that I love 'um :) They probably don't even feel the same way about me, but it's how I feel about them. They're there for me all the time and I can never thank them enough!
19. I over-use smiley faces all the time when I'm typing!
20. It offends me most when people insult my singing. I can deal with being called fat and ugly and a bitch and whutever, but if someone says to me, "You're a crap singer", then I feel like going and cutting my own head off.
21. I adore the number 7.
22. I'm scared of failure, and I don't deal well with it.
23. The best gig that I have ever been to in my whole entire life was Aiden on the 1st October 2008. It has seriously affected the way that I live my life. William Control also helped, because I was lucky enough to meet wiL. But it was the Aiden gig, not the William Control gig, that inspired me most.
24. I can't stand unstraight lines. I know I put that one in my last one, but it's fucking true!
25. I swear all the time, and I should really, really stop. I tried to give up swearing for lent...I didn't even last an hour. That's how foul my language is.

Well there you go :) Another little insight into what it's like to be me!