It is 11 days until Knives comes out.
It is 37 days until I see Aiden live for the second time.
It is 41 days until I finish my GCSEs.
It is 527 days till I am 18 years old. On that day, I will be getting my first tattoo.
I've given up on looking backwards. But sometimes, I still feel it tapping my shoulder and tempting me.
(And, for the record, that's my 50th blog).
Thursday, 30 April 2009
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
Fucking hypocrite.
I just don't get some people, to be honest. Right, okay, they've had a major trauma this week - I can understand them being upset about it. God knows, I would be. I can even imagine criticising everything that the people involved did because they'd have hurt me so bad. Yes, I can understand that bit. I can also understand not wanting to talk about it because there'd be so much gossip.
But...if you don't want to talk about it, why make such a fucking fuss? Putting it in your MSN name isn't exactly keeping things on the low - and that goes for more than just the person I'm pissed off at. For fuck's sake - all you're doing there is making yourself the centre of attention and becoming the fool. We're all interested in what happened - of course we are, we're human, we like a bit of gossip every now and again - but do you really have to be such a fucking dick about it? Storming around going, "I can never forgive them!" when the day you found out you were being all nicey-nice with her and kissing him doesn't really add up in anyone's books. And the fact that you're storming around all the fucking time doesn't exactly make people want to keep outta stuff - they wanna know what's going on.
Basically, you need to grow up. I think everyone who's reading this knows who I'm talking about. Tell her if you like. But, maybe you agree with me and aren't just after another fucking fight to gossip about.
But...if you don't want to talk about it, why make such a fucking fuss? Putting it in your MSN name isn't exactly keeping things on the low - and that goes for more than just the person I'm pissed off at. For fuck's sake - all you're doing there is making yourself the centre of attention and becoming the fool. We're all interested in what happened - of course we are, we're human, we like a bit of gossip every now and again - but do you really have to be such a fucking dick about it? Storming around going, "I can never forgive them!" when the day you found out you were being all nicey-nice with her and kissing him doesn't really add up in anyone's books. And the fact that you're storming around all the fucking time doesn't exactly make people want to keep outta stuff - they wanna know what's going on.
Basically, you need to grow up. I think everyone who's reading this knows who I'm talking about. Tell her if you like. But, maybe you agree with me and aren't just after another fucking fight to gossip about.
Dear Charlotte,
I have nothing really that special to say today. Today is nothing of any consequence - just another Tuesday. Today, neither of us are going to save the world and, unless it's to each other, we will probably not say anything very interesting. That's because life is like that. Until we're older, and people accept us more, we physically cannot do anything more than what we already do.
But, I'm writing this letter (well, blog) just to let you know something - I love you, okay? Sometimes I read things, or you tell me things, and I feel so upset for you, because I know what you're going through. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, I never seem to be able to make it any better for you. Maybe you don't feel it all the time, but you are loved - not only by me, but our other friends too and even my parents think you're the bees knees. Don't tell yourself that you're worthless because you're not; you have so much left to do in your life.
So what they don't give you support? A lack of support will never take away your talent or your dreams. Sometimes it's hard to go after what you want and you want someone who'll hold your hand and half-drag you towards them - god knows, I feel like that sometimes. But even if it's not them that's gonna be there for you, think of everyone else in your life who will be. You can't try to tell me there's a shortage of them. I can think of at least three, not including me.
You are a very special person in my life, Charlotte Hidderley. You've saved me from myself more than music has at times. Did you know that? No, probably not, because I don't think I've said it before. But it's true. Sometimes when I've been sat there thinking, "Fuck this, what can someone singing into a microphone do to stop all this shit?" you've appeared and been like a little star in the darkness. And I've put down the scissors and the pills and I've thought, "Y'know what, I'll keep going, just for her."
You know that if you ever need anything, then I will be here. I know you probably think, "Oh, yeah, whatever" every time that I say this, but it's the honest truth - you're not going to lose me, sweetheart. I can't physically live without you. Every time you say that I won't have time for you or whatever, I feel like I'm going to be sick because I just don't know what I'll do without you. Who else is going to wack me round the head for forgetting stuff or cuddle me when I'm upset or let me massage them? There's only one person in the world who's going to be able to fill that space and that's you.
Think positive about everything and I'll help you along.
I love you so very much.
Your Roo :)
xoxo
But, I'm writing this letter (well, blog) just to let you know something - I love you, okay? Sometimes I read things, or you tell me things, and I feel so upset for you, because I know what you're going through. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, I never seem to be able to make it any better for you. Maybe you don't feel it all the time, but you are loved - not only by me, but our other friends too and even my parents think you're the bees knees. Don't tell yourself that you're worthless because you're not; you have so much left to do in your life.
So what they don't give you support? A lack of support will never take away your talent or your dreams. Sometimes it's hard to go after what you want and you want someone who'll hold your hand and half-drag you towards them - god knows, I feel like that sometimes. But even if it's not them that's gonna be there for you, think of everyone else in your life who will be. You can't try to tell me there's a shortage of them. I can think of at least three, not including me.
You are a very special person in my life, Charlotte Hidderley. You've saved me from myself more than music has at times. Did you know that? No, probably not, because I don't think I've said it before. But it's true. Sometimes when I've been sat there thinking, "Fuck this, what can someone singing into a microphone do to stop all this shit?" you've appeared and been like a little star in the darkness. And I've put down the scissors and the pills and I've thought, "Y'know what, I'll keep going, just for her."
You know that if you ever need anything, then I will be here. I know you probably think, "Oh, yeah, whatever" every time that I say this, but it's the honest truth - you're not going to lose me, sweetheart. I can't physically live without you. Every time you say that I won't have time for you or whatever, I feel like I'm going to be sick because I just don't know what I'll do without you. Who else is going to wack me round the head for forgetting stuff or cuddle me when I'm upset or let me massage them? There's only one person in the world who's going to be able to fill that space and that's you.
Think positive about everything and I'll help you along.
I love you so very much.
Your Roo :)
xoxo
Sunday, 26 April 2009
Good days entail:
Getting up too early without being too tired.
Being picked up in something that looks like it could eat you.
Doing 100mph on the motorway.
Diet Coke for breakfast.Searching high and low for comics.
Meeting new people.
Walking in circles.Stealing some sweatbands.
Going to the chippy.
Dirty dancing.
Giving roses.
Raiding someone else's facebook.
Talking about sex.
Laughing till I cry.
Getting on the bus for free.
Nursing my best friend.
Watching Christmas films.
Tickling.
Massages.
Stories.
And sleep is yet to come.
I had forgotten what it's like to have a really, truly fantastic day. And, maybe I didn't do anything of consequence - I didn't save a life, I didn't do anything particularly out of the ordinary - but I still had one of the best days that I've had in a long time. Life feels really good today.
Friday, 24 April 2009
About me.
My name is Rachel Claire Mary Gunn. I don't like it when people spell my name wrong, so I prefer to be known as Roo. I'm sixteen going on six hundred. I have brown hair (that will be pink in a few weeks, hopefully) and eyes that I can never decide on the colour of - some days it's blue, but some days it's grey. Either way, I think they're kinda pretty. I'm also pretty tall, but I wouldn't mind being a couple of inches shorter. I like my legs but I don't like my stomach, bum or boobs. I also don't like it when people remind me that the last one may as well not exist in my figure.
I get offended far to easily and cry at the drop of a hat. I hear music as colours - Slipknot is very red and angular, My Chemical Romance are blue and curvy and make patterns that are easy to remember and Aiden are a mixture of blue, red and purple, with angular and curved patterns all mixed in together. I have seen every band that I want to see before I die - Aiden, My Chemical Romance, Paramore, Mindless Self Indulgence, Slipknot and Jack's Mannequin. If I could see HIM and/or Evanescence as well, that would make my life absolutely complete.
I get lonely when I don't have anyone to dote on. The more the merrier! My best friend has to put up with it the most, but I think she doesn't mind all that much (even though I know I must get annoying). I love it when people hug me. My perfect guy would have at least one tattoo with an interesting story behind it and would write me a song that was about how the world is through his eyes and if it's changed with me around, not about how he loves me. He would also not just be interested in sex. I will therefore end up a spinster and live next door to Ches and her husband, with about a million cats.
My cat is really cute, but really, really blind. This week she's started to panic a lot and I cry about it. I don't want her to be put down because I've had her all my life and she's been fantastic. Having a kitten would be nice, but it's not the same. Bobby is my friend, because she lets me talk to her when I'm crying and nuzzles her head under my chin and it makes me feel loved. Out of all my pets ever, she's definitely been my favourite. It's a shame that she has to get old.
I really like it when people write things for me, or write things about me. Whether that's stories, or poems or blogs. I just like to know that people think about me sometimes, which sounds stupid and selfish, but it's not. I think it's because I think so highly of all of my friends and so little of myself - because, basically, I'm a shithead - that when they write something affectionate, it makes me all tear up and have a little bit of selfconfidence. I also love talking to people from different places, just to find out what their culture's like and if there are any similarities.
There is nothing I wouldn't do for my closest friends - if I thought it was going to make them happy or save them in some way, I would willingly give up my life or freedom. I don't expect the same in return. So long as they give me a cuddle every now and again, I'm more than happy to be like that. I trust them all absolutely - proved yesterday, when I allowed Annabel to cover my face in plaster. It was actually quite a fun experience. I discovered what it's like to be blind for a couple of minutes. It was fun, but I wouldn't like to be like that all the time.
I hate it when people are two-faced. What's the point of being nice to someone's face, if you're only going to talk about how much you hate them as soon as they're away from you? I hate it even more when people talk about someone that someone else in the group cares about and expects them not to take offence. It's rude, selfish and cruel. There are some people in the world that I want to slap around the face with a wet fish and tell them to get over themselves. They think that they're above everyone else, when in fact they've made no real achievements in life, so they have no right to talk about others like shit, or look down on them. Only look down on someone if you're helping them up.
That brings me to my sexuality. My sexuality is not a disease. Yes, okay, I like boys and girls; who gives a flying monkey shit? I'm still a person - a person who cares what people think about her and who wants to have a little support and affection. I hate it when people turn their back on me just because of who I find attractive. I can't choose who I like and who I don't. Believe me, if I could, I would have stayed straight because it's so much easier. There's not all the confusion and the tiptoeing around. Do you know how hard it is when you fancy another a girl? You've gotta find out if they even swing that way in the first place before you even have the chance to find out if they like you back or not. Then you have all the homophobia surrounding the fucking situation - going to an all girl's school definitely doesn't help. Yeah, watch out, you might catch my lesbian disease or worse...I might actually fancy you. Most the people that think I like them have no fucking clue - I don't go for bitches and sluts.
Life is what happens when all the "What if...?" options don't. I've had enough of holding back what I think and worrying about the consequences. I am going out with all engines on fire - you can come along for the ride, but if you can't keep up then you're going to be left behind. I'm only holding one person's hand, because she's staying with me whether she likes it or not. I am point blank refusing to let her out of my sight for the rest of my life because there's no real point in it without her.
I've never written this much about me before. It feels good.
I get offended far to easily and cry at the drop of a hat. I hear music as colours - Slipknot is very red and angular, My Chemical Romance are blue and curvy and make patterns that are easy to remember and Aiden are a mixture of blue, red and purple, with angular and curved patterns all mixed in together. I have seen every band that I want to see before I die - Aiden, My Chemical Romance, Paramore, Mindless Self Indulgence, Slipknot and Jack's Mannequin. If I could see HIM and/or Evanescence as well, that would make my life absolutely complete.
I get lonely when I don't have anyone to dote on. The more the merrier! My best friend has to put up with it the most, but I think she doesn't mind all that much (even though I know I must get annoying). I love it when people hug me. My perfect guy would have at least one tattoo with an interesting story behind it and would write me a song that was about how the world is through his eyes and if it's changed with me around, not about how he loves me. He would also not just be interested in sex. I will therefore end up a spinster and live next door to Ches and her husband, with about a million cats.
My cat is really cute, but really, really blind. This week she's started to panic a lot and I cry about it. I don't want her to be put down because I've had her all my life and she's been fantastic. Having a kitten would be nice, but it's not the same. Bobby is my friend, because she lets me talk to her when I'm crying and nuzzles her head under my chin and it makes me feel loved. Out of all my pets ever, she's definitely been my favourite. It's a shame that she has to get old.
I really like it when people write things for me, or write things about me. Whether that's stories, or poems or blogs. I just like to know that people think about me sometimes, which sounds stupid and selfish, but it's not. I think it's because I think so highly of all of my friends and so little of myself - because, basically, I'm a shithead - that when they write something affectionate, it makes me all tear up and have a little bit of selfconfidence. I also love talking to people from different places, just to find out what their culture's like and if there are any similarities.
There is nothing I wouldn't do for my closest friends - if I thought it was going to make them happy or save them in some way, I would willingly give up my life or freedom. I don't expect the same in return. So long as they give me a cuddle every now and again, I'm more than happy to be like that. I trust them all absolutely - proved yesterday, when I allowed Annabel to cover my face in plaster. It was actually quite a fun experience. I discovered what it's like to be blind for a couple of minutes. It was fun, but I wouldn't like to be like that all the time.
I hate it when people are two-faced. What's the point of being nice to someone's face, if you're only going to talk about how much you hate them as soon as they're away from you? I hate it even more when people talk about someone that someone else in the group cares about and expects them not to take offence. It's rude, selfish and cruel. There are some people in the world that I want to slap around the face with a wet fish and tell them to get over themselves. They think that they're above everyone else, when in fact they've made no real achievements in life, so they have no right to talk about others like shit, or look down on them. Only look down on someone if you're helping them up.
That brings me to my sexuality. My sexuality is not a disease. Yes, okay, I like boys and girls; who gives a flying monkey shit? I'm still a person - a person who cares what people think about her and who wants to have a little support and affection. I hate it when people turn their back on me just because of who I find attractive. I can't choose who I like and who I don't. Believe me, if I could, I would have stayed straight because it's so much easier. There's not all the confusion and the tiptoeing around. Do you know how hard it is when you fancy another a girl? You've gotta find out if they even swing that way in the first place before you even have the chance to find out if they like you back or not. Then you have all the homophobia surrounding the fucking situation - going to an all girl's school definitely doesn't help. Yeah, watch out, you might catch my lesbian disease or worse...I might actually fancy you. Most the people that think I like them have no fucking clue - I don't go for bitches and sluts.
Life is what happens when all the "What if...?" options don't. I've had enough of holding back what I think and worrying about the consequences. I am going out with all engines on fire - you can come along for the ride, but if you can't keep up then you're going to be left behind. I'm only holding one person's hand, because she's staying with me whether she likes it or not. I am point blank refusing to let her out of my sight for the rest of my life because there's no real point in it without her.
I've never written this much about me before. It feels good.
Monday, 20 April 2009
I just don't know.
One minute, I'm fine and happy and excited, and the next I want to tear my head from my shoulders. I guess I'm just lucky that I have some people who care enough to make sure I don't self-destruct.
I love my friends.
I love the memories we have together.
I love the memories that are yet to come.
I don't care what Ches says about me not having time for her in September. I'll be at a loss if I don't see her. I don't care if I have to get 1 or 9 buses and trams to come and see her, I will still do it. She's my best friend - the only person that understands me (because, let's face it, I don't understand myself!). I'd walk through hell and back to make her happy, and I don't give a shit if you think I mean that in a more than friends way. She knows how special she is to me.
It's thanks to her I'm still breathing this morning.
Sunday, 19 April 2009
A revelation.
Suddenly Psycho Sophie doesn't seem like much of a psycho. Dear god...I think I might be the psycho around here.
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