Fucking bitch.
Wannabe slut.
Cunt.
Dick.
Ugly.
Tart.
Fat.
Stupid.
Messed up.
Freak.
Weirdo.
Emo.
Geek.
Shithead.
Mistake.
Roo.
Tuesday 31 March 2009
Monday 30 March 2009
Look at me.
I'm going to pretend that today is a good day. Nothing is going wrong, and now I'm going to have loads of free time because the show has finished.
But at the same time...why did the optimism that I felt this morning vanished just because I know that I'll probably never going to talk to them again? And because I know that they won't miss me like I miss them right now. Ah well - I'm not the kind of person that leaves a lasting impression, or that people miss. They just see me as the girl who smiled at them once in a while, or who sat next to them and talked about nothing in particular. A nice girl - pleasant - but nothing much more than that.
"She
She screams in silence
A sullen riot penetrating through her mind
Waiting for a sign
To smash the silence with the brick of self-control
Are you locked up in a world
Thats been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you
She
She's figured out
All her doubts were someone else's point of view
Waking up this time
To smash the silence with the brick of self-control
Are you locked up in a world
Thats been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you
Are you locked up in a world
Thats been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you."
But at the same time...why did the optimism that I felt this morning vanished just because I know that I'll probably never going to talk to them again? And because I know that they won't miss me like I miss them right now. Ah well - I'm not the kind of person that leaves a lasting impression, or that people miss. They just see me as the girl who smiled at them once in a while, or who sat next to them and talked about nothing in particular. A nice girl - pleasant - but nothing much more than that.
"She
She screams in silence
A sullen riot penetrating through her mind
Waiting for a sign
To smash the silence with the brick of self-control
Are you locked up in a world
Thats been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you
She
She's figured out
All her doubts were someone else's point of view
Waking up this time
To smash the silence with the brick of self-control
Are you locked up in a world
Thats been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you
Are you locked up in a world
Thats been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you."
My kind of optimism.
Mirror, mirror, on the floor
I've no need for you anymore.
You lie and say I'm not good enough
So I'm leaving you with my image and finding honesty.
I might have never been on the front cover of a magazine,
Maybe never had anyone think I'm perfect.
But, look, I'm alive - why am I looking for more than that?
There's a simple perfection in breathing and in a human heartbeat.
Why was I ever afraid of a sheet of glass?
The scars are fading, and so are the memories.
I think it's time for a new life,
A new start.
And perhaps this doesn't make sense.
But what sense did I ever make when talking to you?
Mirror, mirror, on the floor
I've no need for you anymore.
I've no need for you anymore.
You lie and say I'm not good enough
So I'm leaving you with my image and finding honesty.
I might have never been on the front cover of a magazine,
Maybe never had anyone think I'm perfect.
But, look, I'm alive - why am I looking for more than that?
There's a simple perfection in breathing and in a human heartbeat.
Why was I ever afraid of a sheet of glass?
The scars are fading, and so are the memories.
I think it's time for a new life,
A new start.
And perhaps this doesn't make sense.
But what sense did I ever make when talking to you?
Mirror, mirror, on the floor
I've no need for you anymore.
Thursday 26 March 2009
This is for my best friend.
There are some people in the world that you just can't live without. Sometimes it's because you don't have a choice - your family being one example. But at other times, it's because you don't want to live without them or because, if you even try, you know that you won't be living. You'll just be there and that'll be it.
I'm sat here in music right now, and I'm thinking about my best friend. I don't know why - I do it alot. I'm not like obsessed with her or anything, and I don't see her in a sexual way, but I do think about her. If she's had a bad day, I try and go over the reasons why that might have been in my head and then trying to think of ways that I could help her. Sometimes it's because we've been having loads of fun together, and I'm just remembering it and smiling to myself and thinking, "I can't wait to get home so that we can talk about it again."
And then, at times like this, it's just because I realise how much I love her. She's so bloody important to me, and I've never, ever, ever met anyone that's been there for me as much as she has. Hopefully she'll read this and be smiling, and (knowing her) be thinking that she doesn't deserve to be spoke of so highly. But take it from me, kids, this isn't even half the praise that she deserves.
Sometimes we argue, but that's okay. We make up again and are usually laughing after another few minutes. And maybe we're not going to be going to the same school next year, but that doesn't mean our relationship has to become any weaker. Jesus, if it does, I might as well go jump off a cliff! I can't do without my Ches, and that's a damn fact. I can't be without our silly little jokes, our make-believe lives that we came up with over the internet, the times she twists the stalk on an apple with me saying names and the hundreds of millions of times that she's saved my life.
Every time she says that I'm her best friend, she saves me.
Every time she smiles when she thinks about the future, she saves me.
Dammit, she even saves me every time she shouts at me.
I've got tears in my eyes now. I know this is a totally random blog, but I really felt it was a good time to write it. God knows why - it was all just there inside and it had to be said.
I love my Ches - forever and always.
I'm sat here in music right now, and I'm thinking about my best friend. I don't know why - I do it alot. I'm not like obsessed with her or anything, and I don't see her in a sexual way, but I do think about her. If she's had a bad day, I try and go over the reasons why that might have been in my head and then trying to think of ways that I could help her. Sometimes it's because we've been having loads of fun together, and I'm just remembering it and smiling to myself and thinking, "I can't wait to get home so that we can talk about it again."
And then, at times like this, it's just because I realise how much I love her. She's so bloody important to me, and I've never, ever, ever met anyone that's been there for me as much as she has. Hopefully she'll read this and be smiling, and (knowing her) be thinking that she doesn't deserve to be spoke of so highly. But take it from me, kids, this isn't even half the praise that she deserves.
Sometimes we argue, but that's okay. We make up again and are usually laughing after another few minutes. And maybe we're not going to be going to the same school next year, but that doesn't mean our relationship has to become any weaker. Jesus, if it does, I might as well go jump off a cliff! I can't do without my Ches, and that's a damn fact. I can't be without our silly little jokes, our make-believe lives that we came up with over the internet, the times she twists the stalk on an apple with me saying names and the hundreds of millions of times that she's saved my life.
Every time she says that I'm her best friend, she saves me.
Every time she smiles when she thinks about the future, she saves me.
Dammit, she even saves me every time she shouts at me.
I've got tears in my eyes now. I know this is a totally random blog, but I really felt it was a good time to write it. God knows why - it was all just there inside and it had to be said.
I love my Ches - forever and always.
It's quite amusing, really.
My family gave me a dozen white roses last night, just to say good luck for the show. It actually nearly made me cry - thought it was really thoughtful. Actually turned out that it was my brother's childminder's idea, but never mind! It's the thought that counts at the end of the day, and I think that was really, really sweet.
The show went well! We finally got a laugh when Ayesha threw the water at me, so I definitely felt a lot better about that. I also came to realise last night that the show has, once again, helped me to make a few new friends. Chris, of course, is one to mention, especially seeing as I have to crush him when I sit on his knee every night. But, also, people like Grace and Fraiser. I never particularly talked to them before, and now we do. Grace, Nicky and I were all having a good giggle about girls fancying other girls and guys fancying other guys when we were in the dressing room yesterday, and me and Fraiser were dancing around together, trying to do my scene as Fagin. It was really, really good fun, and I really enjoyed it. I'm so glad, now, that I decided to get involved again, because - even though it's caused me a lot of stress - being in the show is the best thing that I have ever decided to do while I was at school.
Bar none.
The show went well! We finally got a laugh when Ayesha threw the water at me, so I definitely felt a lot better about that. I also came to realise last night that the show has, once again, helped me to make a few new friends. Chris, of course, is one to mention, especially seeing as I have to crush him when I sit on his knee every night. But, also, people like Grace and Fraiser. I never particularly talked to them before, and now we do. Grace, Nicky and I were all having a good giggle about girls fancying other girls and guys fancying other guys when we were in the dressing room yesterday, and me and Fraiser were dancing around together, trying to do my scene as Fagin. It was really, really good fun, and I really enjoyed it. I'm so glad, now, that I decided to get involved again, because - even though it's caused me a lot of stress - being in the show is the best thing that I have ever decided to do while I was at school.
Bar none.
Thursday 19 March 2009
Getting stuff out of my system.
For the record, I don't enjoy being depressed. It just happens a lot. Even when people think that I'm happy, usually on the inside I feel like shit. I have this tendency to hide my problems and try and pretend they're not there, for the simple reason that I feel that, compared to everyone else, I have nothing to complain about. It's true, I know it is. But when I do decide to be honest for once, I don't expect to have it thrown back in my face, especially by someone who I was there for when they were upset over something that really didn't mean anything. It really offends me that she didn't even pretend to care. Proof that, yes, she is a self-centred little bitch.
Second point I want to make - attention seekers really fucking piss me off. Everyone says that I'm an attention seeker because I'm loud and often quite stupid and obnoxious, but (unfortunately) that is me being me. I am naturally loud because I'm an expressive person. I like making everyone else happy and I like making everyone else laugh. I guess I'm like the clown in Rorschach's joke. But, anyway, not the point. I don't like being the centre of attention unless I'm singing, and that's only because I want people to sit up and take notice that no matter what's going on in their lives, they can still do the stuff that they know, deep down, they were born to do. I don't do things to myself, then lie about what happened just so that people will take an interest in me. But then again, I guess some people are just determined to have something going wrong with their lives, even if all the guys seem to drool after them and they're like a genius. Ha.
I also really don't like the fact that teachers seem to have no emotions whatsoever, and certainly no sympathy. I've been basically laughed at today by a teacher because I hate lines not being straight and the right length. Does anyone else see what's wrong with that, really? Yes, okay, sometimes it takes me longer to do my work than other people, but at least I'm doing it, y'know? At least I'm actually making an effort with my work. I don't even want to do anything with that subject anyway - I'm doing it because I have to. No other reason.
And finally, I want to apoligise to a lot of people. I'm sorry that I've done so much crying this week, especially these past couple of days. I've been really trying to hold myself together, but I'm sort of sellotaped at the seams at the minute. Don't worry about it, I'll have it sorted soon, I hope. I'll be back to my normal smiling self as soon as I can be and we'll all be able to put those outbursts behind us. As long as teachers don't start asking questions then I'll be okay.
That was a really long blog. Wow.
Second point I want to make - attention seekers really fucking piss me off. Everyone says that I'm an attention seeker because I'm loud and often quite stupid and obnoxious, but (unfortunately) that is me being me. I am naturally loud because I'm an expressive person. I like making everyone else happy and I like making everyone else laugh. I guess I'm like the clown in Rorschach's joke. But, anyway, not the point. I don't like being the centre of attention unless I'm singing, and that's only because I want people to sit up and take notice that no matter what's going on in their lives, they can still do the stuff that they know, deep down, they were born to do. I don't do things to myself, then lie about what happened just so that people will take an interest in me. But then again, I guess some people are just determined to have something going wrong with their lives, even if all the guys seem to drool after them and they're like a genius. Ha.
I also really don't like the fact that teachers seem to have no emotions whatsoever, and certainly no sympathy. I've been basically laughed at today by a teacher because I hate lines not being straight and the right length. Does anyone else see what's wrong with that, really? Yes, okay, sometimes it takes me longer to do my work than other people, but at least I'm doing it, y'know? At least I'm actually making an effort with my work. I don't even want to do anything with that subject anyway - I'm doing it because I have to. No other reason.
And finally, I want to apoligise to a lot of people. I'm sorry that I've done so much crying this week, especially these past couple of days. I've been really trying to hold myself together, but I'm sort of sellotaped at the seams at the minute. Don't worry about it, I'll have it sorted soon, I hope. I'll be back to my normal smiling self as soon as I can be and we'll all be able to put those outbursts behind us. As long as teachers don't start asking questions then I'll be okay.
That was a really long blog. Wow.
Wednesday 18 March 2009
A glimpse inside.
Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawling
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm calling
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm falling, I'm falling...
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm falling
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm calling
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm falling, I'm falling
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Hurry I'm falling
All I need is you
Come please I'm calling
And oh, I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm falling,
I'm falling
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Hurry I'm falling.
On these hands and knees I'm crawling
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm calling
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm falling, I'm falling...
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm falling
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm calling
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm falling, I'm falling
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Hurry I'm falling
All I need is you
Come please I'm calling
And oh, I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm falling,
I'm falling
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Hurry I'm falling.
Monday 16 March 2009
It's a girl!
Elizabeth Rachel, 8lbs 5, was born yesterday morning at 7:03am. Just thought I'd let you all know! I'm so exciteddddd!
Friday 13 March 2009
I can't forgive you
Because you're so damn self-centred. You never seem to realise the hurt and anger that you caused me, and so, because you never apoligise, I can't find it in myself to forgive you because I know that you're not sorry. You make me sick. Really, physically sick. You insulted me becauase you didn't understand me, and then acted as if it was somehow my fault. I have enough people in my life telling me how weird I am without your help - at least they have a proper idea about what I'm like.
You're a dick.
You make my skin crawl.
Dammit, I almost hate you.
You're a dick.
You make my skin crawl.
Dammit, I almost hate you.
Thursday 12 March 2009
I could do it right now
And I doubt anyone would even notice. I've got a whole load in my bag. Perhaps it was fate I kept forgetting to take them out.
Hahahahahaha. I said yesterday I'd never do it. But it seems so damn attractive right now. All the stresses and the pretence all gone. I'd not have to hide behind this fucking mask anymore. You all think I'm happy, and that's the worst bit. I think sometimes you see it and then you're too scared to ask just what the fuck's wrong with me. I mean, let's be frank - how do you ask someone who's a psycho what the hell's going on in her head?
How do you ask someone who hears music as colour why they like a song? Why would you even try to get an explanation from someone who has this overwhelming feeling of nothing being real? Why would you even bother?
God knows, if I were one of you, I'd run away screaming. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, if I manage to put death off for another couple of days: I will destroy you. Maybe not intentionally, but come too near me and I will burn you, because that's what's happening to me on the inside every day.
Burn, baba.
Burn.
Hahahahahaha. I said yesterday I'd never do it. But it seems so damn attractive right now. All the stresses and the pretence all gone. I'd not have to hide behind this fucking mask anymore. You all think I'm happy, and that's the worst bit. I think sometimes you see it and then you're too scared to ask just what the fuck's wrong with me. I mean, let's be frank - how do you ask someone who's a psycho what the hell's going on in her head?
How do you ask someone who hears music as colour why they like a song? Why would you even try to get an explanation from someone who has this overwhelming feeling of nothing being real? Why would you even bother?
God knows, if I were one of you, I'd run away screaming. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, if I manage to put death off for another couple of days: I will destroy you. Maybe not intentionally, but come too near me and I will burn you, because that's what's happening to me on the inside every day.
Burn, baba.
Burn.
I really don't belong here.
Currently sat in the practice room, crying my eyes out again. I hate her. I asked for her help and she spent ten minutes telling me about how I'm just wasted talent and I can't do any of the work. I tried, I really, really tried. I did it all with no help whatsoever, and she'd already told me that I had to restart and the deadlines next week.
For fuck's sake, I'm just gonna go shoot myself in the head or something.
I'm supposed to be the dreamer. I feel more like a nightmare. Sorry.
For fuck's sake, I'm just gonna go shoot myself in the head or something.
I'm supposed to be the dreamer. I feel more like a nightmare. Sorry.
Tuesday 10 March 2009
Fresh start.
Gave up on the numbers. Not the first time I've given up something, and it certainly won't be the last. I become very monotonous and I think sometimes I lose my colour slightly. And so I change for a while, bring back the old rainbow and pretend to be a canvas for just a little while longer.
Dammit, I miss my laugh.
Dammit, I miss my laugh.
Sunday 8 March 2009
Twenty-four.
Angel is officially one of the sweetest guys since ever. And I met him yesterday! I'm a really happy girl. He signed my poster and had a picture with me, and then said thanks for buying the poster, because it's the only merch he's got. Adele and I were stood/sat for the whole gig with glow sticks on and dancing to songs you can't even dance to. It was so much fun, even if we had to sit outside forever in the cold.
Yeah, I feel right at home.
I'm lost and I don't care.
Yeah, I feel right at home.
I'm lost and I don't care.
Saturday 7 March 2009
Twenty-three.
A hero is someone you can look up to; someone who inspires hope. A hero is someone who allows others to dare to dream of something more...something better. They tell us to believe in things that keep us and our spirits alive, even when the world would perhaps rather that we died on the inside and followed the rest of the world in becoming nothing more than sheep.
I am no hero.
I am no hero.
Friday 6 March 2009
Twenty-two.
Going to Ches's today! I'm so excited, because that means I'm going to see The Watchmen tonight, and it means I'll be meeting up with Adele and seeing Angel tomorrow and goodness knows on Sunday! It's going to be so much fun, and I'm like shaking I'm that excited! I won't be able to calm down all day, I can see it coming!
But first, ladies and gentlefrogs - I have to go get dressed. Wouldn't be much good getting all excited for later on if it couldn't all happen simply because I missed the bus telling you all!
But first, ladies and gentlefrogs - I have to go get dressed. Wouldn't be much good getting all excited for later on if it couldn't all happen simply because I missed the bus telling you all!
Thursday 5 March 2009
Twenty-one.
Hello, Emotion. When did you get here? I wish you'd stop sneaking in the back door, because you're really starting to bug me. Sometimes I think you've gone forever, and as soon as I start to accept that fact, you return like a long lost friend, or enemy. You never leave a note, telling me when you'll be back, and you never have any stories of your travels.
The fact of the matter, Emotion, is that I feel better without you.
The fact of the matter, Emotion, is that I feel better without you.
Monday 2 March 2009
Twenty.
To put it simply, I'm shitting it for today. I've got to go find Mr Hulme and get spare piano music, and then go to my piano lesson. And then I've got to go to my piano lesson, and then I'm in the music competition. Jesus H Christ - I'm so nervous, and I've had like next to no sleep so I'm going to be crapper than crap.
I feel like crying and smashing my head against a brick wall to be perfectly honest.
I hope Ches'll be okay today. Otherwise I will be forced to eat her hair and snuggle with her and probably get hit in the process! Tends to happen when I'm trying to cheer her up, but I don't mind putting up with that. As long as, ultimately, she's okay, I don't really care what happens to me in the meantime. Because she's my best friend, y'see? I know that, actually, I'm a pretty crap friend. I think it'd be pretentious to say otherwise - I have this tendency to hurt everyone closest to me, and I expect too much of myself, so I end up neglecting my friends to perfect something about myself that is probably very minor.
So, yes, time to go get dressed. Hopefully the nerves won't get the better of me. I'm in three categories today, and if I manage to beat Lauren Jackson in just one of them, I'll be happy. Ellie and I are going to kick the shit out of I Know Him So Well - you just watch us!
Good luck, Ellie. Good luck, Roo.
I feel like crying and smashing my head against a brick wall to be perfectly honest.
I hope Ches'll be okay today. Otherwise I will be forced to eat her hair and snuggle with her and probably get hit in the process! Tends to happen when I'm trying to cheer her up, but I don't mind putting up with that. As long as, ultimately, she's okay, I don't really care what happens to me in the meantime. Because she's my best friend, y'see? I know that, actually, I'm a pretty crap friend. I think it'd be pretentious to say otherwise - I have this tendency to hurt everyone closest to me, and I expect too much of myself, so I end up neglecting my friends to perfect something about myself that is probably very minor.
So, yes, time to go get dressed. Hopefully the nerves won't get the better of me. I'm in three categories today, and if I manage to beat Lauren Jackson in just one of them, I'll be happy. Ellie and I are going to kick the shit out of I Know Him So Well - you just watch us!
Good luck, Ellie. Good luck, Roo.
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