Nineteen.

So many emotions, so little time.

Eighteen.

I am always second best. If it's not because I won't open my legs for the first person that comes along, then it's because I've got spots or because I haven't got big enough boobs. It hurts that the people I end up with are the people that no-one else wants. And I know it's true because I think it myself. I try to love them because I want to prove to myself that looks don't matter or that there's some magic spark inside them that just needs a bit of encouragement, and then I really will fall head over heels for them.

But the fact remains that I have no such luck. The people who I do genuinely want always want someone else. And, right now, I don't see what I have to be jealous of her about. The fact of the matter is that she is just a pair of walking tits. She has no personality, she's bitchy, she has no outstanding talents, other than her geekiness, and even I kick her arse with that.

And yet, here I am, stuck on the shelf and wanting to cry till I'm shrivelled and dead.

It's not that I'm jealous - my feelings for him aren't that particularly strong. It's just...it's just because it's her. And because I believed that, for one glorious, fiery moment, that perhaps I had a chance.




"The power lines went out
And I am all alone
But I don’t really care at all
Not answering my phone
All the games you played
The promises you made
Couldn’t finish what you started
Only darkness still remains

Lost sight
Couldn’t see
When it was you and me

Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I’m beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I’ll be alright

Been black and blue before
There’s no need to explain
I am not the jaded kind
Playback’s such a waste
You’re invisible
Invisible to meMy wish is coming true
Erase the memory of your face

Lost sight
Couldn’t see
When it was you and me

Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I’m beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I’ll be alright

One day
You will wake up
With nothing but “you’re sorrys”
And someday
You will get back
Everything you gave me

Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I’m beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I’ll be alright."

Seventeen.

I can't find my grade 5 piano music anywhere and my lesson is today. I'm so dead. I'm actually deader than Dead Jack McDead on Dead Day 2009. Arghhhhh! What am I going to do?! My exams in a few weeks and if I can't find my music I'm going to have to go hang myself or something. Mrs Dixon and Mr Holmes have already been on my back since last term, because I kept missing lessons and stuff! Oh no, oh no, oh no! I have no chance of passing!

The other bad news is that I'm giving up swearing for lent! I'm not even a Christian, but me and Rebecca thought it'd be really funny to see how I get on. So far I am really, really struggling. I need to swear about this blooming piano music! I'm gonna explode before Easter comes!

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Sixteen.

I don't care what Ches says: Shaggy is not better than William Control.

Fifteen.

This just isn't fair. I don't understand what's going on in my own head these days. It's just a constant storm of extreme emotions. Happiness is lightening - bright and beautiful for a second, but closely followed by the thunder of depression. And even if I am happy, it hurts, because I'm just waiting for the thunder to roll in. I'm waiting for the rain to stop, because the ever-changing pattern of droplets is beginning to kill me.

If I'm lucky, this will all be part of growing up. If I'm lucky.

On a brighter note - Breathing Hope by Natalie Nicole Gilbert is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. It's a tribute to the character Carlisle from the Twilight series, and believe it or not, it's really worth a listen. I know a lot of the Twilight stuff is over-rated, especially the film, but honestly you will not regret listening to that song. It is gorgeous.

Fourteen.

Haha! Psycho Sophie has returned. I can't wait for her next hissy fit. I think it'll be over how many slices of bread I have consumed within a year. I can't believe she was just trying to compare her mental health to mine. Yes, I'm messed up in the head, that much is true. Perhaps I cried because I was trying to concentrate on a voice clip and it hurt my ears. But at least I don't shout at people for kissing someone that I had an internet relationship with for three days!

Oh, Psycho Sophie. Go grow up.

Thirteen.

I've lost the purple cotton.

Twelve.

I wanted to play, but I couldn't. It hurt my head and made me want to cry. I tried to listen, and all I heard was electric and fizzing and it made me feel insecure. I know I'm not like the others. They were having fun and were laughing about the magical ideas that they heard in the speakers. And I was stuck, shaking, and wanting to scratch the screen.

I wanted to play, but I couldn't.

Eleven.

My parents think I'm a psycho.

Just thought I'd let you all in on that one.

Ten.

Well, today was very uneventful. I bought Angel Ibarra tickets - *dances* - and I went on a walk with Alfie and his family and my family. I miss him already, because now I am stuck in this godforsaken village with literally no-one my age. Fucking arghhhhh! I don't think I will survive till Sunday!

My brother thinks I should be on meds. That's the only other interesting news I have.

Nine.

I am officially in love with "Five Years and Counting" by Angel Ibarra. I've got it on MySpace music player just playing and playing and playing. I want his CD dammit - oh wait. He doesn't have one yet. Ah well. I will wait patiently like a good girl. This song is so awesome though.

And I feel right at home,
I'm lost and I don't care.
Yeah, I feel right at home,
Just take me anywhere.

Definitely describes my life half the time - I never know whether I'm coming or going. All I know is that, when I'm in control of it, it better be exciting, because I won't be able to deal with normality. I'll just get bored.

I'm in Wales atm, so prepare yourselves for ambling blogs with no real point to them, because I am going to be bored out of my fucking head this week. I apoligise in advance to you all. This is the first one - I just wanted to tell you all how much I love that song. You should all go on his MySpace and check it out. Just go on MySpace music and search Angel Ibarra. You won't regret it.

Eight.

Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.

Y'know what I wish? I wish I had a normal head: a normal brain, a normal mental health. I wish that I had normal aspirations. Wish I could lie down low and fit in.

I am cursed with this inability to be sane. I am cursed with the fact that everyone thinks I'm happy, when really I'm imagining tearing myself limb from limb and screaming until there is nothing left of me anymore. It's terrifying when I think things like that. And yet, it happens all the time. I'm a bit of a freak, when it comes down to it. I like to trace lyrics on material, but I will never write them down on paper, because the lyrics are too true. They would bring the monsters from under your bed out to dance.

My mental health is a prison, and it's getting more and more claustrophobic every day. In my head, I am living in a never ending play. I'm waiting for the hero in it - sometimes I think I've found him and then he turns out to be made of nothing more than plastic and ash, and he crumbles away in my fingers. I think that I make them that way - they were whole to start with and then I set fire to them.

I'm going to be honest - I contemplate suicide a lot. It would probably be safer for everyone. I think, at the end of the day, I'm either going to drive everyone else mad, or burn them too. Both outcomes are very likely.

If I live past the age of eighteen, and I form a band, I'll laugh about this. Tell everyone how emo I was, and how I'm totally different. The play will go on, and my costume will be fixed. I'll tell myself it was all a nasty dream and that, really, I am just special.

But special is just another name for failure. And this failure isn't going to survive.

Six.

I'm really annoyed at the fact that there is no Aiden UK Street Team. The one on MySpace that I found hasn't logged in since like May last year. What the fuckkkk?! That's fucking stupid. I'd love to help promote Aiden because they're just amazing tbh. They've saved my life more than I thought possible.

I think I'm gonna have a word with Angel...

Five.

It's taken me a week to realise this, but I got used on Saturday night. Oh the joy. Well done Roo-Roo, that was really clever. I guess I used him too - I wanted to hurt my boyfriend for all the times he'd hurt me, and I knew that cheating on him was the only thing that would do it.

But when did my pride get involved with that?

Four.

I thought I would share some facts with you. I've posted them on my mibba account too (my username is roobyRIOT!) but I thought I would post them on here. It's just basically 60 little bits of my brain typed out. I like to read it back; it's kind of interesting.

1. I hate the wallpaper in my room. It reminds me of the eighties, and I really think it should be updated. That’s partly why I cover my walls with posters.
2. My parents can’t make up their minds about whether I’m overweight or not eating enough. Surely that would therefore mean that I’m average?
3. I love photographs were most things are black and white and then one thing is in colour. I don’t know why – I just think it looks really cool.
4. I get annoyed if one song on my iTunes has been played loads more than others. I have to reset the play count!
5. I love playing the piano. I just hate my piano lessons.
6. When I have seen Jack’s Mannequin live in March, I will have seen every band live that I want to see before I die headline at least once.
7. I desperately want to dye my hair pink, but I’m scared that my hair will all fall out.
8. I cry over everything, and people find it amusing.
9. I remember every single compliment I have ever been given, because it doesn’t happen very often compared to how much I’m insulted.
10. I hate looking in the mirror, but I do it anyway.
11. I am never afraid or ashamed to talk about self-harm and suicide, because I don’t believe it’s something that you should be afraid or ashamed about.
12. Sometimes I lie to myself that things are okay, even when they’re turning to shit.
13. If you go on my student area on the computers at school, there is a whole folder that I have made of conversations with myself in lessons.
14. I can’t sleep without five certain teddies being on my bed. They’re called Little Mikey, Big Mikey, William, Roo and Gizmo. Yes, it’s Gizmo from Gremlins.
15. I exaggerate everything.
16. When I wake up in the morning, I sometimes forget my name until I see/hear something that reminds me what it is.
17. I make wishes at 11:11, and they’re usually for Ches.
18. My brain is very abstract and people find it hard to keep up with my mood swings, especially when I start crying for no reason.
19. I want to be a singer when I ‘grow up’. I put that in inverted commas because I don’t believe in growing up. You just get older.
20. I will always be immature.
21. I can tell you, in exact detail, my three favourite dreams. They all had wiL Francis in them.
22. Speaking of him, meeting him was the best day of my life ever. If I ever meet him again, I will try my very best not to melt.
23. I have never watched the film 23. I thought that was an appropriate fact ;)
24. I am too soft with people so they always fuck me over. I am working on trying to change that, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be nasty.
25. I have a very overactive imagination. I think that’s why people like my stories, because I tend to have played them out in my head in every detail.
26. Sometimes I wonder if parts of my life are imaginary. Then I see the scars, the photographs, the letters and the notes from counsellors and realise the nightmare was once reality.
27. I don’t like odd numbers, unless they’re multiples of seven.
28. Unstraight lines must die. Fact.
29. I love men with interesting tattoos, because they always have a story behind them.
30. If I was perfect, I would eat more.
31. I am secretly very lazy, but I keep myself busy because otherwise I know that I would laze around all day, every day.
32. I would like snow more if it happened when it’s warm outside. I know it’s impossible, but it’s nice to imagine.
33. My favourite band is Aiden. It was My Chemical Romance up until the end of last year. The only reason that it has changed is because I connected more with Aiden when I saw them live than I did with My Chemical Romance. I don’t care what you think about that – it’s just what happened.
34. I like my handwriting.
35. I once ran away from home. I sometimes think about doing it again, except I know no-one would come looking for me this time.
36. Singing is the cure to everything.
37. Chocolate helps too.
38. I have totally forgiven everyone that has ever hurt me in my life.
39. She Will Love You by Aiden will always mean something to me.
40. When Ches said that she thought me and wiL suited, my heart skipped a beat. I know it’s fangirlish, but I couldn’t help it.
41. Ches inspired me to write.
42. I used to drink a lot and I took drugs too. I now drink in moderation, and I will never touch drugs again. Why not? Because I want to remember my life.
43. People call me frigid because I’m a virgin. They also think that because I have a Catholic family, I am going to wait till I’m married before I do anything like that. I am waiting for the right person, not marriage.
44. I tell my brothers I hate them, but they are always there for me, and I will always be there for them.
45. I like to shout BENDY BUS when I see one.
46. I don’t like public buses. Trains kick ass.
47. I am very complicated.
48. People treat me like I don’t have any feelings because I’m so loud.
49. I find it very difficult to accept myself. In fact, it’s so difficult that sometimes I want to tear my skin off and make myself into someone different.
50. My future consists of music in America with Ches. Our address is gonna be somewhere in New Jersey or New York. I will know her future husband when I see him.
51. I like it when boys hold doors open for me.
52. I like normal conversations – some examples are asking what my favourite food is, what colours I like, why I like to go to gigs so much...deep conversations are good but you don’t have to talk like that all the time for me to find you interesting.
53. If I had one day left to live, I would spend it with Ches. And I’d drag her to a concert in the evening somewhere and I would make sure she knows how much I love her. She is very special to me.
54. I like the smell of where I live.
55. I like silence. But then again, I like loud music too.
56. There are some days you will never forget.
57. My favourite film is Balto. If you haven’t seen it, then you haven’t lived.
58. I became a vegetarian because I don’t like meat. No animal rights cause – I’m just fussy.
59. I hate offending people.
60. I like art/poems/prose/photography/quotes that make you think deeply.

I really am a weird person. But, still...I think they're interesting facts. Thankies for reading them if you've taken the time to do so!

Three.

Well, I did it. I am now officially a single girl once again. I feel...free, for want of a better word. He seemed upset, the idiot, and tried to guilt trip me by telling me that he's been "in love" with me since he was 10 years old. The thought makes me laugh out of pity for him. He hated me when he was younger. He must have been out of ideas for getting me to stay.

It was the right time for us to part. He'll see that one day. We'd been together four months. That's a long time in a lot of people's books, especially when I'm only sixteen. Other than Chris, my longest relationship has been a month and a half. I've never cheated on anyone before though. That's the bit that I'm not particularly proud about. But he hurt me by making me feel like a whore over the past few months...I got my own back. It's all fair really. Besides, the guy I cheated on him properly with (if you can count it as that) is a really nice guy. I'm going to be looking forward to seeing him again, but he doesn't need to know that bit.

I've been out of school for two days because of the bad weather. I like snow - it looks pretty. I just don't particuarly like that it only comes when it's freezing cold. If it snowed in the middle of summer...well, that would be my perfect weather. As it stands, however, warm rain will just have to do.

What else is there to talk about? Not a lot really. School's back tomorrow, as far as I know, and I'll be looking forward to seeing everyone again. I owe Sarah a birthday hug, and I need to tell Annabel the good news. And I need to see him again, if he even remembers my name. Oh, and I need to give Aaron a massive hug.

Tomorrow will be a good day.