It is 11 days until Knives comes out.
It is 37 days until I see Aiden live for the second time.
It is 41 days until I finish my GCSEs.
It is 527 days till I am 18 years old. On that day, I will be getting my first tattoo.
I've given up on looking backwards. But sometimes, I still feel it tapping my shoulder and tempting me.
(And, for the record, that's my 50th blog).
Thursday 30 April 2009
Tuesday 28 April 2009
Fucking hypocrite.
I just don't get some people, to be honest. Right, okay, they've had a major trauma this week - I can understand them being upset about it. God knows, I would be. I can even imagine criticising everything that the people involved did because they'd have hurt me so bad. Yes, I can understand that bit. I can also understand not wanting to talk about it because there'd be so much gossip.
But...if you don't want to talk about it, why make such a fucking fuss? Putting it in your MSN name isn't exactly keeping things on the low - and that goes for more than just the person I'm pissed off at. For fuck's sake - all you're doing there is making yourself the centre of attention and becoming the fool. We're all interested in what happened - of course we are, we're human, we like a bit of gossip every now and again - but do you really have to be such a fucking dick about it? Storming around going, "I can never forgive them!" when the day you found out you were being all nicey-nice with her and kissing him doesn't really add up in anyone's books. And the fact that you're storming around all the fucking time doesn't exactly make people want to keep outta stuff - they wanna know what's going on.
Basically, you need to grow up. I think everyone who's reading this knows who I'm talking about. Tell her if you like. But, maybe you agree with me and aren't just after another fucking fight to gossip about.
But...if you don't want to talk about it, why make such a fucking fuss? Putting it in your MSN name isn't exactly keeping things on the low - and that goes for more than just the person I'm pissed off at. For fuck's sake - all you're doing there is making yourself the centre of attention and becoming the fool. We're all interested in what happened - of course we are, we're human, we like a bit of gossip every now and again - but do you really have to be such a fucking dick about it? Storming around going, "I can never forgive them!" when the day you found out you were being all nicey-nice with her and kissing him doesn't really add up in anyone's books. And the fact that you're storming around all the fucking time doesn't exactly make people want to keep outta stuff - they wanna know what's going on.
Basically, you need to grow up. I think everyone who's reading this knows who I'm talking about. Tell her if you like. But, maybe you agree with me and aren't just after another fucking fight to gossip about.
Dear Charlotte,
I have nothing really that special to say today. Today is nothing of any consequence - just another Tuesday. Today, neither of us are going to save the world and, unless it's to each other, we will probably not say anything very interesting. That's because life is like that. Until we're older, and people accept us more, we physically cannot do anything more than what we already do.
But, I'm writing this letter (well, blog) just to let you know something - I love you, okay? Sometimes I read things, or you tell me things, and I feel so upset for you, because I know what you're going through. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, I never seem to be able to make it any better for you. Maybe you don't feel it all the time, but you are loved - not only by me, but our other friends too and even my parents think you're the bees knees. Don't tell yourself that you're worthless because you're not; you have so much left to do in your life.
So what they don't give you support? A lack of support will never take away your talent or your dreams. Sometimes it's hard to go after what you want and you want someone who'll hold your hand and half-drag you towards them - god knows, I feel like that sometimes. But even if it's not them that's gonna be there for you, think of everyone else in your life who will be. You can't try to tell me there's a shortage of them. I can think of at least three, not including me.
You are a very special person in my life, Charlotte Hidderley. You've saved me from myself more than music has at times. Did you know that? No, probably not, because I don't think I've said it before. But it's true. Sometimes when I've been sat there thinking, "Fuck this, what can someone singing into a microphone do to stop all this shit?" you've appeared and been like a little star in the darkness. And I've put down the scissors and the pills and I've thought, "Y'know what, I'll keep going, just for her."
You know that if you ever need anything, then I will be here. I know you probably think, "Oh, yeah, whatever" every time that I say this, but it's the honest truth - you're not going to lose me, sweetheart. I can't physically live without you. Every time you say that I won't have time for you or whatever, I feel like I'm going to be sick because I just don't know what I'll do without you. Who else is going to wack me round the head for forgetting stuff or cuddle me when I'm upset or let me massage them? There's only one person in the world who's going to be able to fill that space and that's you.
Think positive about everything and I'll help you along.
I love you so very much.
Your Roo :)
xoxo
But, I'm writing this letter (well, blog) just to let you know something - I love you, okay? Sometimes I read things, or you tell me things, and I feel so upset for you, because I know what you're going through. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, I never seem to be able to make it any better for you. Maybe you don't feel it all the time, but you are loved - not only by me, but our other friends too and even my parents think you're the bees knees. Don't tell yourself that you're worthless because you're not; you have so much left to do in your life.
So what they don't give you support? A lack of support will never take away your talent or your dreams. Sometimes it's hard to go after what you want and you want someone who'll hold your hand and half-drag you towards them - god knows, I feel like that sometimes. But even if it's not them that's gonna be there for you, think of everyone else in your life who will be. You can't try to tell me there's a shortage of them. I can think of at least three, not including me.
You are a very special person in my life, Charlotte Hidderley. You've saved me from myself more than music has at times. Did you know that? No, probably not, because I don't think I've said it before. But it's true. Sometimes when I've been sat there thinking, "Fuck this, what can someone singing into a microphone do to stop all this shit?" you've appeared and been like a little star in the darkness. And I've put down the scissors and the pills and I've thought, "Y'know what, I'll keep going, just for her."
You know that if you ever need anything, then I will be here. I know you probably think, "Oh, yeah, whatever" every time that I say this, but it's the honest truth - you're not going to lose me, sweetheart. I can't physically live without you. Every time you say that I won't have time for you or whatever, I feel like I'm going to be sick because I just don't know what I'll do without you. Who else is going to wack me round the head for forgetting stuff or cuddle me when I'm upset or let me massage them? There's only one person in the world who's going to be able to fill that space and that's you.
Think positive about everything and I'll help you along.
I love you so very much.
Your Roo :)
xoxo
Sunday 26 April 2009
Good days entail:
Getting up too early without being too tired.
Being picked up in something that looks like it could eat you.
Doing 100mph on the motorway.
Diet Coke for breakfast.Searching high and low for comics.
Meeting new people.
Walking in circles.Stealing some sweatbands.
Going to the chippy.
Dirty dancing.
Giving roses.
Raiding someone else's facebook.
Talking about sex.
Laughing till I cry.
Getting on the bus for free.
Nursing my best friend.
Watching Christmas films.
Tickling.
Massages.
Stories.
And sleep is yet to come.
I had forgotten what it's like to have a really, truly fantastic day. And, maybe I didn't do anything of consequence - I didn't save a life, I didn't do anything particularly out of the ordinary - but I still had one of the best days that I've had in a long time. Life feels really good today.
Friday 24 April 2009
About me.
My name is Rachel Claire Mary Gunn. I don't like it when people spell my name wrong, so I prefer to be known as Roo. I'm sixteen going on six hundred. I have brown hair (that will be pink in a few weeks, hopefully) and eyes that I can never decide on the colour of - some days it's blue, but some days it's grey. Either way, I think they're kinda pretty. I'm also pretty tall, but I wouldn't mind being a couple of inches shorter. I like my legs but I don't like my stomach, bum or boobs. I also don't like it when people remind me that the last one may as well not exist in my figure.
I get offended far to easily and cry at the drop of a hat. I hear music as colours - Slipknot is very red and angular, My Chemical Romance are blue and curvy and make patterns that are easy to remember and Aiden are a mixture of blue, red and purple, with angular and curved patterns all mixed in together. I have seen every band that I want to see before I die - Aiden, My Chemical Romance, Paramore, Mindless Self Indulgence, Slipknot and Jack's Mannequin. If I could see HIM and/or Evanescence as well, that would make my life absolutely complete.
I get lonely when I don't have anyone to dote on. The more the merrier! My best friend has to put up with it the most, but I think she doesn't mind all that much (even though I know I must get annoying). I love it when people hug me. My perfect guy would have at least one tattoo with an interesting story behind it and would write me a song that was about how the world is through his eyes and if it's changed with me around, not about how he loves me. He would also not just be interested in sex. I will therefore end up a spinster and live next door to Ches and her husband, with about a million cats.
My cat is really cute, but really, really blind. This week she's started to panic a lot and I cry about it. I don't want her to be put down because I've had her all my life and she's been fantastic. Having a kitten would be nice, but it's not the same. Bobby is my friend, because she lets me talk to her when I'm crying and nuzzles her head under my chin and it makes me feel loved. Out of all my pets ever, she's definitely been my favourite. It's a shame that she has to get old.
I really like it when people write things for me, or write things about me. Whether that's stories, or poems or blogs. I just like to know that people think about me sometimes, which sounds stupid and selfish, but it's not. I think it's because I think so highly of all of my friends and so little of myself - because, basically, I'm a shithead - that when they write something affectionate, it makes me all tear up and have a little bit of selfconfidence. I also love talking to people from different places, just to find out what their culture's like and if there are any similarities.
There is nothing I wouldn't do for my closest friends - if I thought it was going to make them happy or save them in some way, I would willingly give up my life or freedom. I don't expect the same in return. So long as they give me a cuddle every now and again, I'm more than happy to be like that. I trust them all absolutely - proved yesterday, when I allowed Annabel to cover my face in plaster. It was actually quite a fun experience. I discovered what it's like to be blind for a couple of minutes. It was fun, but I wouldn't like to be like that all the time.
I hate it when people are two-faced. What's the point of being nice to someone's face, if you're only going to talk about how much you hate them as soon as they're away from you? I hate it even more when people talk about someone that someone else in the group cares about and expects them not to take offence. It's rude, selfish and cruel. There are some people in the world that I want to slap around the face with a wet fish and tell them to get over themselves. They think that they're above everyone else, when in fact they've made no real achievements in life, so they have no right to talk about others like shit, or look down on them. Only look down on someone if you're helping them up.
That brings me to my sexuality. My sexuality is not a disease. Yes, okay, I like boys and girls; who gives a flying monkey shit? I'm still a person - a person who cares what people think about her and who wants to have a little support and affection. I hate it when people turn their back on me just because of who I find attractive. I can't choose who I like and who I don't. Believe me, if I could, I would have stayed straight because it's so much easier. There's not all the confusion and the tiptoeing around. Do you know how hard it is when you fancy another a girl? You've gotta find out if they even swing that way in the first place before you even have the chance to find out if they like you back or not. Then you have all the homophobia surrounding the fucking situation - going to an all girl's school definitely doesn't help. Yeah, watch out, you might catch my lesbian disease or worse...I might actually fancy you. Most the people that think I like them have no fucking clue - I don't go for bitches and sluts.
Life is what happens when all the "What if...?" options don't. I've had enough of holding back what I think and worrying about the consequences. I am going out with all engines on fire - you can come along for the ride, but if you can't keep up then you're going to be left behind. I'm only holding one person's hand, because she's staying with me whether she likes it or not. I am point blank refusing to let her out of my sight for the rest of my life because there's no real point in it without her.
I've never written this much about me before. It feels good.
I get offended far to easily and cry at the drop of a hat. I hear music as colours - Slipknot is very red and angular, My Chemical Romance are blue and curvy and make patterns that are easy to remember and Aiden are a mixture of blue, red and purple, with angular and curved patterns all mixed in together. I have seen every band that I want to see before I die - Aiden, My Chemical Romance, Paramore, Mindless Self Indulgence, Slipknot and Jack's Mannequin. If I could see HIM and/or Evanescence as well, that would make my life absolutely complete.
I get lonely when I don't have anyone to dote on. The more the merrier! My best friend has to put up with it the most, but I think she doesn't mind all that much (even though I know I must get annoying). I love it when people hug me. My perfect guy would have at least one tattoo with an interesting story behind it and would write me a song that was about how the world is through his eyes and if it's changed with me around, not about how he loves me. He would also not just be interested in sex. I will therefore end up a spinster and live next door to Ches and her husband, with about a million cats.
My cat is really cute, but really, really blind. This week she's started to panic a lot and I cry about it. I don't want her to be put down because I've had her all my life and she's been fantastic. Having a kitten would be nice, but it's not the same. Bobby is my friend, because she lets me talk to her when I'm crying and nuzzles her head under my chin and it makes me feel loved. Out of all my pets ever, she's definitely been my favourite. It's a shame that she has to get old.
I really like it when people write things for me, or write things about me. Whether that's stories, or poems or blogs. I just like to know that people think about me sometimes, which sounds stupid and selfish, but it's not. I think it's because I think so highly of all of my friends and so little of myself - because, basically, I'm a shithead - that when they write something affectionate, it makes me all tear up and have a little bit of selfconfidence. I also love talking to people from different places, just to find out what their culture's like and if there are any similarities.
There is nothing I wouldn't do for my closest friends - if I thought it was going to make them happy or save them in some way, I would willingly give up my life or freedom. I don't expect the same in return. So long as they give me a cuddle every now and again, I'm more than happy to be like that. I trust them all absolutely - proved yesterday, when I allowed Annabel to cover my face in plaster. It was actually quite a fun experience. I discovered what it's like to be blind for a couple of minutes. It was fun, but I wouldn't like to be like that all the time.
I hate it when people are two-faced. What's the point of being nice to someone's face, if you're only going to talk about how much you hate them as soon as they're away from you? I hate it even more when people talk about someone that someone else in the group cares about and expects them not to take offence. It's rude, selfish and cruel. There are some people in the world that I want to slap around the face with a wet fish and tell them to get over themselves. They think that they're above everyone else, when in fact they've made no real achievements in life, so they have no right to talk about others like shit, or look down on them. Only look down on someone if you're helping them up.
That brings me to my sexuality. My sexuality is not a disease. Yes, okay, I like boys and girls; who gives a flying monkey shit? I'm still a person - a person who cares what people think about her and who wants to have a little support and affection. I hate it when people turn their back on me just because of who I find attractive. I can't choose who I like and who I don't. Believe me, if I could, I would have stayed straight because it's so much easier. There's not all the confusion and the tiptoeing around. Do you know how hard it is when you fancy another a girl? You've gotta find out if they even swing that way in the first place before you even have the chance to find out if they like you back or not. Then you have all the homophobia surrounding the fucking situation - going to an all girl's school definitely doesn't help. Yeah, watch out, you might catch my lesbian disease or worse...I might actually fancy you. Most the people that think I like them have no fucking clue - I don't go for bitches and sluts.
Life is what happens when all the "What if...?" options don't. I've had enough of holding back what I think and worrying about the consequences. I am going out with all engines on fire - you can come along for the ride, but if you can't keep up then you're going to be left behind. I'm only holding one person's hand, because she's staying with me whether she likes it or not. I am point blank refusing to let her out of my sight for the rest of my life because there's no real point in it without her.
I've never written this much about me before. It feels good.
Monday 20 April 2009
I just don't know.
One minute, I'm fine and happy and excited, and the next I want to tear my head from my shoulders. I guess I'm just lucky that I have some people who care enough to make sure I don't self-destruct.
I love my friends.
I love the memories we have together.
I love the memories that are yet to come.
I don't care what Ches says about me not having time for her in September. I'll be at a loss if I don't see her. I don't care if I have to get 1 or 9 buses and trams to come and see her, I will still do it. She's my best friend - the only person that understands me (because, let's face it, I don't understand myself!). I'd walk through hell and back to make her happy, and I don't give a shit if you think I mean that in a more than friends way. She knows how special she is to me.
It's thanks to her I'm still breathing this morning.
Sunday 19 April 2009
A revelation.
Suddenly Psycho Sophie doesn't seem like much of a psycho. Dear god...I think I might be the psycho around here.
Friday 17 April 2009
Another memory in the making.
In just under 8 hours time, I will be buying three tickets to go and see Aiden for the second time. I think I may actually wee - I am that excited. I really, really, really want to meet wiL again. And of course all the others. I want a picature with Nick and with Jake if possible, because they're lovely and they're the two I don't have picatures with yet. And Adele's coming to stay with me for the weekend specially! YAYYYY!
It's going to be....amazing.
It's going to be....amazing.
Monday 13 April 2009
Sweet Nothings and Drawn Out Lies
Don't ask about the title - I just thought it fit. Anyway - this is a little bit of a song that I have actually written. Me. Myself. I'm so proud, you can't imagine - all the lyrics I've written before have been crap and without any real meaning behind them. Well, here's to the future...let's hope I can write stuff as good as this then as well!
Sweet Nothings and Drawn Out Lies
Holding hands in front of movie screens
Clichéd lines in those cliché scenes
I fell long ago and we’re pretty secure
But I’m not sure if safe’s what I want anymore
I said there’s comfort in control
But if we’re going down, honey, I wanna let myself go
I’ll whisper into the hum of the telephone
“Sorry, honey, but I gotta go.”
You love me – that much is true –
But I want adventure, and there’s none with you.
Wednesday 8 April 2009
Religion.
I want to make my views on this subject very, very clear. The last couple of days have been hell at my house, all because my family cannot seem to grasp that I am not going to blindly believe in some guy that lived and died 2000 years ago. This is not a general religious discussion - this is a blog about my views on Christianity.
As you are probably all aware, Christianity began roughly 2000 years ago, after the death and supposed resurrection of someone called Jesus of Nazareth. Bollocks. The only people who said that Jesus came back from the grave were his best mates. Let's face it, it's a pretty unlikely story. If it was someone else that had said it - perhaps someone who didn't believe in all the stuff Jesus was saying - then maybe it'd be more plausible. But, of course, Jesus only chose to 'appear' in rooms that were locked and contained only the people that had known him in life. There's no hard evidence.
Then you have the problem of the conflicting evidence. Mark's Gospel is believed to have come first out of the four gospels, according to Mrs Wood. Then can someone tell me why the three that were written hundreds of years later, with the same events happening with more symbolic stuff, are still believed? For god's sake - even the end of Mark's gospel was made up. What the hell is wrong with all you people?! You're believing someone's fucking imagination. A lot of the stuff that happens in the bible is said because it symbolises something else: the Syro-Phonecian women's daughter represents the Gentiles; the Jews choose Barabas over Jesus to be saved because the writer wanted it to make it seem like the Jews fault that Jesus was crucified, seeing as he didn't want his Roman readers to be offended....it's all a pile of fucking bullshit. How can I - or anyone, for that matter - be expected to believe in a religion that doesn't even tell the whole truth, or hides the truth in this huge cloud of symbolism?
Now, I wanna bring it forward to the modern day. Can anyone tell me why I should follow a religion where the different 'versions' can't agree with each other? They're teaching the same fucking religion, talking about the same fucking man and the same fucking god and reading from the same fucking book! But for some reason, the Roman Catholics'll say one thing, but the Free churches will say another and then the Quakers'll say summat else! What the actual hell? It's ridiculous. From what I understand, Roman Catholics don't even seem to be living on this planet - I'm allowed to say that too, seeing as I live with four of them. I asked my own father - seriously - if he would allow me to have an abortion if I'd been raped and got pregnant; he said no. Since when did the rights of a fucking ball of cells preside over mine - since my dad was a Roman Catholic, that's why. He wouldn't allow me that because he thinks that life begins at conception. Will someone tell me where in the bible it says that?
Christianity is blinding. It's a disease. I don't give a shit if everyone else reading this thinks I'm wrong and hates me forever - believe me, I've been disowned by my own family this week for saying I don't want to follow their religion. I think I can cope with losing a few other people too. I've tried and tried and tried to understand the religion and learn more about it and see if I can accept it, but I can't. It makes me physically ill. There are millions and millions of people out there in the world that are believing a 2000 year old lie.
Yes, I know some of the principals are very honourable - love your neighbour, give to the poor, respect your family, all that. I could probably accept the principals if I didn't have to follow all the other rules and regulations that go along with it - like having to go to church and worship in the set way - but that's not how Christianity works.
The world really needs to wake up.
As you are probably all aware, Christianity began roughly 2000 years ago, after the death and supposed resurrection of someone called Jesus of Nazareth. Bollocks. The only people who said that Jesus came back from the grave were his best mates. Let's face it, it's a pretty unlikely story. If it was someone else that had said it - perhaps someone who didn't believe in all the stuff Jesus was saying - then maybe it'd be more plausible. But, of course, Jesus only chose to 'appear' in rooms that were locked and contained only the people that had known him in life. There's no hard evidence.
Then you have the problem of the conflicting evidence. Mark's Gospel is believed to have come first out of the four gospels, according to Mrs Wood. Then can someone tell me why the three that were written hundreds of years later, with the same events happening with more symbolic stuff, are still believed? For god's sake - even the end of Mark's gospel was made up. What the hell is wrong with all you people?! You're believing someone's fucking imagination. A lot of the stuff that happens in the bible is said because it symbolises something else: the Syro-Phonecian women's daughter represents the Gentiles; the Jews choose Barabas over Jesus to be saved because the writer wanted it to make it seem like the Jews fault that Jesus was crucified, seeing as he didn't want his Roman readers to be offended....it's all a pile of fucking bullshit. How can I - or anyone, for that matter - be expected to believe in a religion that doesn't even tell the whole truth, or hides the truth in this huge cloud of symbolism?
Now, I wanna bring it forward to the modern day. Can anyone tell me why I should follow a religion where the different 'versions' can't agree with each other? They're teaching the same fucking religion, talking about the same fucking man and the same fucking god and reading from the same fucking book! But for some reason, the Roman Catholics'll say one thing, but the Free churches will say another and then the Quakers'll say summat else! What the actual hell? It's ridiculous. From what I understand, Roman Catholics don't even seem to be living on this planet - I'm allowed to say that too, seeing as I live with four of them. I asked my own father - seriously - if he would allow me to have an abortion if I'd been raped and got pregnant; he said no. Since when did the rights of a fucking ball of cells preside over mine - since my dad was a Roman Catholic, that's why. He wouldn't allow me that because he thinks that life begins at conception. Will someone tell me where in the bible it says that?
Christianity is blinding. It's a disease. I don't give a shit if everyone else reading this thinks I'm wrong and hates me forever - believe me, I've been disowned by my own family this week for saying I don't want to follow their religion. I think I can cope with losing a few other people too. I've tried and tried and tried to understand the religion and learn more about it and see if I can accept it, but I can't. It makes me physically ill. There are millions and millions of people out there in the world that are believing a 2000 year old lie.
Yes, I know some of the principals are very honourable - love your neighbour, give to the poor, respect your family, all that. I could probably accept the principals if I didn't have to follow all the other rules and regulations that go along with it - like having to go to church and worship in the set way - but that's not how Christianity works.
The world really needs to wake up.
Monday 6 April 2009
The blog that I promised.
This is a blog for my friends. These four girls and boy make me smile, a lot. One of them I hardly speak to anymore, because he's always so busy, what with being at uni and stuff. But this blog is just me saying how much I adore these kids and why. They probably don't feel that same way back - that's fine with me. I'm not anything remotely interesting. But these kids really are; so here's a little something for them.
Charlotte - people reading this probably know her as Ches. Ches and I have been good friends since the summer of 2006. We've had some good memories; we've had some bad ones. We've had times when we've practically been at each other's throats. But the fact of the matter is that I couldn't do without this girl if I tried. I miss her when she's not around. Our weeks away in Wales have been legendary. She obsesses over Gerard Way, but that's cool. It's kinda intimidating when you walk in her room though. Either way, I don't care. She's been there for me whenever I've needed her - listening to me when I'm upset, laughing with me when I'm happy, allowing me to drag her to gigs...things that most people out there wouldn't stand for. I know that I'm a burden on her a lot of the time, but she doesn't seem to mind (most of the time!). We're best friends till forever and I know that. We've got our whole life together: we're gonna be in a band together, I'm gonna tell her who her future husband is and we're gonna stay neighbours until we're really, really old. She's a weirdo - I'm a weirdo. We fit together and our friendship is one of the most beautiful things in my life. I really love her. Honest.
Annabel - definitely one of the craziest people I have ever come across in my life. She's the kind of person that will start giggling for no real reason. And yet, she's also incredibly sensitive and loving. I still giggle when I think about our week in Italy - memories of which include a pervy salesmen, a funny Italian woman and drunk guys in a pub wanting a bang with us. She doesn't hate me, even after I dyed her hair in the shittiest way possible. I don't really know what I'd do without her because, tbh, she's one of the few people in my life that can cheer me up, no matter what's wrong with me. I really hope that she comes along with me and Ches, dressed in her penguin suit, and starts the crowds for our band. That will be the funniest thing since ever! And, of course, I hope she ends up with Patrick Stump someday :P I love Annabel - and she better effing believe it!
Ellie - boobies. That word sums Ellie up. Not just because she has big boobs (which is true) but also because she seems to have an obsession with touching everyone else's! I feel so comfortable with Ellie, and we actually talk about everything under the sun with her, including naughty things that most people would think I'm a freak for discussing. I love her poetry and all her photography. I don't know how one person has managed to cope with all the stuff that's happened to her and still be as bright and bubbly as she is, but she's done it. Her eyes fascinate me. And maybe she's sat there now, reading this with tears in her eyes and thinking, 'Oh, Roobear is silly!', but it's the truth and I have to say it. Ellie is one of the closest friends I have and I wouldn't - couldn't - trade her for anything in this world. I lobe you, Ellie!
Adele - maybe I've not known her as long as I have everyone else on this, but I don't think that really matters. Adele is actually brilliant, with no exaggeration. Our time at the Angel gig in Manchester should go in the history books, it was so much fun. All our crazy MySpace conversations are fun to think back on, including the one where we decided that we were gonna dress up for X-Factor and sing the Fast Food song. I really hope that we can go travelling together for the next Aiden shows. I think she knows secretly that she's meant to be with wiL! Whenever I write something to do with Aiden, it's always her opinion that matters the most to me, which is why I'm sorta dreading letting her read Sunsets and Car Crashes. But she is lovely and I don't really know what life would be without her now. I just hope that we stay close and have many, many, many more fun conversations, adventures and memories to come. I love you!
Scoot - is the friendliest Yeti that you'll ever meet. I remember talking to him when I was 12; he probably thought that I was the most ridiculous child that he's ever known. But we've grown up (sort of) together and it's been a fantastic friendship. He's been there for me through all the hard times...and all the good times. We've had some pretty immature moments, including the fruit war and him experimenting with his webcam, as well as all the serious ones. I couldn't ask for anyone better. He is seriously just like a big brother to me. I really can't wait for this summer - he's promised to come and see me. It will actually make my summer! I really miss him now, too, seeing as he's at uni. But he's happy and that's all that I'm really bothered about. If he gets hurt, it upsets me, just because I know how fantastic he is and how much good stuff he deserves. I love you, Scooty!
There you go. Mini essays on my closest pals. If you ain't one of them, I hope you enjoyed it anyway.
Charlotte - people reading this probably know her as Ches. Ches and I have been good friends since the summer of 2006. We've had some good memories; we've had some bad ones. We've had times when we've practically been at each other's throats. But the fact of the matter is that I couldn't do without this girl if I tried. I miss her when she's not around. Our weeks away in Wales have been legendary. She obsesses over Gerard Way, but that's cool. It's kinda intimidating when you walk in her room though. Either way, I don't care. She's been there for me whenever I've needed her - listening to me when I'm upset, laughing with me when I'm happy, allowing me to drag her to gigs...things that most people out there wouldn't stand for. I know that I'm a burden on her a lot of the time, but she doesn't seem to mind (most of the time!). We're best friends till forever and I know that. We've got our whole life together: we're gonna be in a band together, I'm gonna tell her who her future husband is and we're gonna stay neighbours until we're really, really old. She's a weirdo - I'm a weirdo. We fit together and our friendship is one of the most beautiful things in my life. I really love her. Honest.
Annabel - definitely one of the craziest people I have ever come across in my life. She's the kind of person that will start giggling for no real reason. And yet, she's also incredibly sensitive and loving. I still giggle when I think about our week in Italy - memories of which include a pervy salesmen, a funny Italian woman and drunk guys in a pub wanting a bang with us. She doesn't hate me, even after I dyed her hair in the shittiest way possible. I don't really know what I'd do without her because, tbh, she's one of the few people in my life that can cheer me up, no matter what's wrong with me. I really hope that she comes along with me and Ches, dressed in her penguin suit, and starts the crowds for our band. That will be the funniest thing since ever! And, of course, I hope she ends up with Patrick Stump someday :P I love Annabel - and she better effing believe it!
Ellie - boobies. That word sums Ellie up. Not just because she has big boobs (which is true) but also because she seems to have an obsession with touching everyone else's! I feel so comfortable with Ellie, and we actually talk about everything under the sun with her, including naughty things that most people would think I'm a freak for discussing. I love her poetry and all her photography. I don't know how one person has managed to cope with all the stuff that's happened to her and still be as bright and bubbly as she is, but she's done it. Her eyes fascinate me. And maybe she's sat there now, reading this with tears in her eyes and thinking, 'Oh, Roobear is silly!', but it's the truth and I have to say it. Ellie is one of the closest friends I have and I wouldn't - couldn't - trade her for anything in this world. I lobe you, Ellie!
Adele - maybe I've not known her as long as I have everyone else on this, but I don't think that really matters. Adele is actually brilliant, with no exaggeration. Our time at the Angel gig in Manchester should go in the history books, it was so much fun. All our crazy MySpace conversations are fun to think back on, including the one where we decided that we were gonna dress up for X-Factor and sing the Fast Food song. I really hope that we can go travelling together for the next Aiden shows. I think she knows secretly that she's meant to be with wiL! Whenever I write something to do with Aiden, it's always her opinion that matters the most to me, which is why I'm sorta dreading letting her read Sunsets and Car Crashes. But she is lovely and I don't really know what life would be without her now. I just hope that we stay close and have many, many, many more fun conversations, adventures and memories to come. I love you!
Scoot - is the friendliest Yeti that you'll ever meet. I remember talking to him when I was 12; he probably thought that I was the most ridiculous child that he's ever known. But we've grown up (sort of) together and it's been a fantastic friendship. He's been there for me through all the hard times...and all the good times. We've had some pretty immature moments, including the fruit war and him experimenting with his webcam, as well as all the serious ones. I couldn't ask for anyone better. He is seriously just like a big brother to me. I really can't wait for this summer - he's promised to come and see me. It will actually make my summer! I really miss him now, too, seeing as he's at uni. But he's happy and that's all that I'm really bothered about. If he gets hurt, it upsets me, just because I know how fantastic he is and how much good stuff he deserves. I love you, Scooty!
There you go. Mini essays on my closest pals. If you ain't one of them, I hope you enjoyed it anyway.
Sunday 5 April 2009
To make things easier,
Please allow me to explain. Imagine your body. Imagine having nothing inside you apart from this abyss that seems to weigh more than the entire world. Imagine that you can hide it, even though it feels like it should be dragging you under the earth beneath your feet. Imagine that, no matter how much you try to push it out and fill it with light, it still manages to be there.
And now imagine that you don't even know why your body is no longer your own.
And now imagine that you don't even know why your body is no longer your own.
Thursday 2 April 2009
What a drama.
(For the record, the following is fictional.)
Dear World,
I stand before you, wishing that I was different. You get those moments in life where you wish that you could change your life for the better, but to do that you have to hurt other people. I have spent my life worrying about others and I have discovered why. If I do things my way - for myself - then I am shouted down, insulted and once again made into nothing.
I am not about to condone my own actions. Right now, I wish nothing more than to be back in his arms and smiling at my children. I'd tell them that mommy ain't gonna leave again and that I missed them every second that I was away from them. Sadly, I am a terrible liar. I love my family - believe me, the six of them are my entire world...but I wanted more world than just being a wife and a mother. I wanted to be somebody. Instead, I have become a something. What kind of woman in a modern world honestly wants to stay at home and do nothing except cook for and clean up after other people. I have dreams, y'know? I have aspirations which lie beyond the kitchen and the bedroom.
Sometimes, we have to become monsters to save those we love. I am not a bad person, believe it or not. Most people find me very easy to talk to and good fun to have around. I'm eccentric, I'm always smiling, I talk all the time...and yet I say nothing. You could probably talk to me for a good few hours and quite enjoy yourself, but when we're separated, you'll realise that we talked about nothing. You won't know me any better and you'll have made no revelations. There were no secrets spilled and the gossip was common knowledge.
In short, ladies and gentlemen, I want you to stop looking for me. The person that you're searching for no longer exists and the person that's in her place needs to be earned. Friends I might have once called close are pretending that I don't exist. I miss my family, ladies and gentlemen, but I'm not sure I belong there.
Always remember - even roses have thorns. But I am a nettle, and I'm poisonous.
R xo
Dear World,
I stand before you, wishing that I was different. You get those moments in life where you wish that you could change your life for the better, but to do that you have to hurt other people. I have spent my life worrying about others and I have discovered why. If I do things my way - for myself - then I am shouted down, insulted and once again made into nothing.
I am not about to condone my own actions. Right now, I wish nothing more than to be back in his arms and smiling at my children. I'd tell them that mommy ain't gonna leave again and that I missed them every second that I was away from them. Sadly, I am a terrible liar. I love my family - believe me, the six of them are my entire world...but I wanted more world than just being a wife and a mother. I wanted to be somebody. Instead, I have become a something. What kind of woman in a modern world honestly wants to stay at home and do nothing except cook for and clean up after other people. I have dreams, y'know? I have aspirations which lie beyond the kitchen and the bedroom.
Sometimes, we have to become monsters to save those we love. I am not a bad person, believe it or not. Most people find me very easy to talk to and good fun to have around. I'm eccentric, I'm always smiling, I talk all the time...and yet I say nothing. You could probably talk to me for a good few hours and quite enjoy yourself, but when we're separated, you'll realise that we talked about nothing. You won't know me any better and you'll have made no revelations. There were no secrets spilled and the gossip was common knowledge.
In short, ladies and gentlemen, I want you to stop looking for me. The person that you're searching for no longer exists and the person that's in her place needs to be earned. Friends I might have once called close are pretending that I don't exist. I miss my family, ladies and gentlemen, but I'm not sure I belong there.
Always remember - even roses have thorns. But I am a nettle, and I'm poisonous.
R xo
25 facts.
I'm bored in music (what a surprise) and so I feel like doing another list of facts about me. These are all completely random so, if you don't quite get summat, just ask me about it and I'll do my very best to explain it for you.
- I am terrified of the dark.
- I have dreams sometimes that are so realistic that I swear they're the future. Unfortunately, the situations that I dream will almost certainly never happen.
- I don't believe in a god or Jesus. I believe that, yes, there is a higher power, but giving it a name is bloody stupid.
- People think I'm an attention seeker. It's partly true - I just like to have support and assurance.
- I sometimes wish that the life I had before I was 13 could be chopped out of my history.
- I once had a panic attack because I was convinced that I was insane and that I was going to be taken away in a straight-jacket.
- Ches is the bestest friend I have ever had. Bar none.
- I am secretly adventurous.
- I have the smallest appetite of anyone that I know of. I once went for three days with only one packet of crisps and I didn't get hungry.
- I probably have an alright figure, but I see myself as practically obese when I look in the mirror. It's because I've been bullied so much in my life. If I talk about being fat, I'm not looking for attention there. I honestly think it.
- William Roy Francis is amazing and has saved my life so many times.
- I love making new friends.
- I am convinced that we used to have a poltergeist in our house.
- I get really, really, really happy whenever anyone compliments me.
- I'm a virgin.
- I would be lost without my iPod.
- I could play Tetris all day without getting bored. It's the best game in the whole entire world.
- My closest friends are: Ches, Annabel, Ellie, Adele and Scoot. I may write a blog just talking about them all at some point, just to let them know that I love 'um :) They probably don't even feel the same way about me, but it's how I feel about them. They're there for me all the time and I can never thank them enough!
- I over-use smiley faces all the time when I'm typing!
- It offends me most when people insult my singing. I can deal with being called fat and ugly and a bitch and whutever, but if someone says to me, "You're a crap singer", then I feel like going and cutting my own head off.
- I adore the number 7.
- I'm scared of failure, and I don't deal well with it.
- The best gig that I have ever been to in my whole entire life was Aiden on the 1st October 2008. It has seriously affected the way that I live my life. William Control also helped, because I was lucky enough to meet wiL. But it was the Aiden gig, not the William Control gig, that inspired me most.
- I can't stand unstraight lines. I know I put that one in my last one, but it's fucking true!
- I swear all the time, and I should really, really stop. I tried to give up swearing for lent...I didn't even last an hour. That's how foul my language is.
Well there you go :) Another little insight into what it's like to be me!
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