Today

Should have been my grandma Mollie's 84th birthday. It's not because she had her life stolen from her by something that made her less than herself and that made her feel a burden on all of us who cared about her. Although it sounds a perfectly good age to leave life, my grandma should still be living. She was too young to die.

I miss my grandma. I miss my grandad too, but at least he died with some dignity. My grandma died after lying unconcious in a hospital bed for three days, in the middle of the night with no-one around her. I was there when my dad got the phone call and I heard him crying. I sat there sobbing in the church, with people I barely knew, but loved because they were saying goodbye as well.

Cancer destroys families.

Crash Fuckin' Bandicoot.

I agree with Ches on this one. American celebrities seem to have no idea about naming their children. Lucinda got it right - Violet is a really pretty name for a girl. I'd be quite happy to be called Violet if my parents had named me that because it's feminine and makes you sound interesting. Let's face it, if someone said they were called that, you'd probably compliment it.

But fucking BANDIT?! I bet you anything, Linds didn't even get a look in. Gerard and Pete had it planned that they were gonna name their kids after fucking gangs and that was that. The girls had no say (although, with Pete, that was probably for the best as Ashlee would name it something like Sparkly Diamond Baby). Poor kid...Gerard, what the hell is wrong with you? Why not name the kid after your brother as well - you do say that you're best friends. Lindsey - why didn't you stand up for yourself? Don't let that man name your child something stupid! We all know that you are a million times more sensible than him.

And William Francis - if you don't name your child something sensible, I will refuse to even think about you because, although it's nothing to do with music, if you can't give your child a nice name, then you're obviously uncaring and a bit thick really. So, I will tell you this myself, I hope, but GIVE YOUR BOY A NICE NAME! Something sensible like Alex or Joey or Andrew.

And also because Ches has said she will call you her favourite band. MUHA!

So...

I've been stuck inside the house for basically a day and a half and I'm already going a little mad. I just wish that my dad would give me a damn key so that I can perhaps go out or have someone come and see me! It's not funny that all I can do is sit here. I'm getting a little bit of revision done, true, but I am actually going insane! I mean, this morning I actually walked up and down the stairs six or seven times for no actual reason. I am also sat here with greasy hair and pyjamas on which is not like me. Normally I have a shower and get dressed even if I'm not going anywhere.

Oh my god, I want to smash my head on the table! I can't take another three days of this!

Having said that...I don't wanna go to beavers tonight. That is another prison. And it also means I have to spend an hour in the company of...Danny. God help me. I'm going to be dead by the end of this week.

LOL of the year!

It was just too funny! I swear to god, I'm gonna giggle every time I think about it. I think I'm a secret perv at heart. That's made my year!

Now, I have to move William away from the door...
Another inside joke.

I remember.

Some days it really hits you how time changes things. I remember when me and my eldest cousin used to be as thick as thieves. We talked all the time, never argued, sorted each other's problems out, she gave vito on any love interests I had...we were like best friends as well as cousins. I was never upset when she was there because we would always make each other laugh when we played Beach Boys and Surf Girls with all the other kids or when we just sat in the soft and talked about anything. We always wanted to sleep in there when we were at grandma and grandad's, even though it was cold, because it was like our hiding place. No-one ever knew you were there.

I remember when we went to London last year. It was the best two days in the world. We raved together on the train, laughed when I forgot that I wasn't meant to be having any chocolate and ordered a hot chocolate in Starbucks and took as many silly pictures as we could. She got renamed lava lamp because our auntie had thought that's what I'd called her, when I'd actually called her "Emma-mama-mama". We mastered the art of chopsticks - well, she did and I failed. We went on an open-top bus and laughed because we tried to take a picture and it was too windy, so we looked like were in a tornado. We just had so much fun together, it was unreal.

And now...the last time I saw her was when she came to my house. She doesn't have time around her busy social life and I feel kind of jealous. It's like I've faded out of her life. There's just this big Emma shaped hole and I don't know how to fill it.

I wish we had never grown up.

So, I haven't posted a blog in a few days.

And I really think it's time that I did. I need to get some stuff out of my system, I think, because it's dragging me down and making me feel very isolated. I appreciate that I have my friends there for me - and I honestly wouldn't change any of them for the world - but I'm finding myself losing my colour again.

I once described myself as a canvas, something vibrant and, perhaps, beautiful that people can appreciate as a work of art. Although I didn't mean it literally (yet - pink hair and tattoos will come in time), I think most people understood what I was trying to say. I'm not the sort of girl who likes to stay in one place, doing one thing all the time and staying quiet, because I believe that I was born to speak out and do something different and tour the world with my music. At the moment, music is my art. That is what I do.

I haven't sung in weeks, not unless I've had to or I've been listening to a CD in the car. But that never feels the same as sitting down at my piano and singing my heart out, just on my own. I just haven't felt like doing there. I just sorta sit down, start and then stop because I'm not in the mood. Is there anyone else out there who understands what that's like for me? I feel like a part of me - specifically, my reason for existence and my colour - has been stolen in the middle of the night and I don't really know where to look for it. I've tried busying myself with other things - with writing, with supporting bands, with phone conversations, with anything that normally works to get me back on track. But nothing is helping. I don't know what to do really.

I'm trying my best to keep my friends going right now. I'm not, in any way shape or form, saying that they're not doing their bit to help keep me going, because they really are. I think if they hadn't spent time telling me how special I am to them, I think I would've just given up and teachers would have found themselves an empty seat in the exam hall. I think I'm coping because I've only resorted to doing something stupid once, and it was only little. Yeah, I've not told anyone and it's healed now, so that's another bit over. Sorry if finding that out upset you, but I don't really think you need to worry. I think I've found closure for that bit of my life. It was stupid and unneccessary.

But, yes, basically - I'm sorta struggling right now. And maybe it comes as a surprise to a lot of you, because I always do my best to smile and make everyone else happy. When other people are happy, that's usually all that matters to me. But if I'm not quite as upbeat as you might expect, don't ask me why I'm like that - because I don't know myself - but just give me a hug or something and I'll try and cheer up.

I love you all. Please don't forget that.

PS. Insulting my friends isn't going to get you in my good books, is it? Think about what you're doing before you do that, especially when you say that you care 'so much' about me. You blatently don't if you're willing to insult others when you know that I care about them very deeply and will therefore take offence on their part. No, I haven't yet forgiven you, so don't have a rant at me.

The Days We Felt Alive

i.
I’ll spare you the fairytale,
But only if it will make you feel better.
I will not tell you how I heard your name singing in the
Cavern I called my heart.
I will also not tell you that you no longer exist,
For what is a memory to me now?

If only I could hear you read that sweet tale,
And sing that aria with your eyes.
You were the only one with room
Enough for me and my problems.
Why am I make-believe?
Why am I clawing at the memories that you have
Thrown away?

ii.
We once said we would be always,
And we promised in solemn naivety that we would become
One.
But now we have opened our eyes,
Only to be blinded by the darkness.
We always struggled to find the path;
There was never room enough for two.

What I would give for those feeble promises
To be voiced again, in that same breathless
Exhilaration that varnished our adolescence.
The darkness is cracking;
Look, come feel the warmth of the light.
The path is there –
We must become one to walk.

iii.
I am retracing your path with my fingertips,
Touching the walls to find traces of you.
Are you in the splinters that pain me?
You suffocate me with the utmost care,
And I am on the brink of adoration.
I have never believed before that I could want
Such a sweet destruction,
Or such a perfect poison.

I am no splinter.
Can you not feel my healing kiss?
Tip-toe over the edge of your fear and find solace
In this abyss that I call home.
I am your poison, your destruction.
I am your love.

This isn't very good. But I would like some feedback on it :)

Home alone

And I'm not even at home! I don't know where Ryan's disappeared off to - summat about buying dog food I think. Or moving his car. I don't even know!

I am confused dot com.

Y'know what they say about all good things...

I never knew why they say they always come to an end. And then today it hit me, like a fucking rock in the chest. Tomorrow is going to be heartbreaking and I know that. I know that I'll still hold onto people like Ches, Annabel and Ellie, but what about everyone else? To be honest, I doubt anyone really cares enough to want to keep hold of me. I know that, for the most part, my tears will be because I'm losing everyone - well, not everyone, but certainly most people.

Of course that I know that we're all going on to bigger and better things - there's loads of new opportunities out there for us, and looking back at the past isn't going to help us see when they're coming. But at the same time, I'd like to hold onto both sides - keep the old and the new together, without that gulf inbetween. And, let's face it, it really is going to be a huge fucking hole.

Aside from me being selfish...I wish, more than anything, that I could heal broken hearts. Because I hate it when I see people cry, but it hurts more when it's someone I really care about.

Closure.

I told you that there was nothing more to say,
I was I, you were you,
And with a nod, we went our own ways;
No regrets, no tears.
We were seperate entities and
That was okay.

Missing you more every day
Breathing
Difficult
Make it okay for me to forget
Why my naive lungs
Want to turn to ash.

I saw you in the park and you were with her,
And we smiled at each other like friends will.
You introduced me, told me you were hers.
She was nice enough,
All smiling, but no fun,
But I could forgive you that
Blatent error.

Knotting the bedcovers late at night
In the
Darkness
And screaming out
With no sound...
Just blood and tears
And suffocation.

I told you the truth about me once,
And it sounded like a poem.
But poems are for the intelligent and the brave,
So there are no rhymes here.
Just a mish-mash of words that
Make no real sense,
And a funny line structure that
Represents all the shattered
Pieces of my being.

I am alone and out of touch,
I held on a bit too much.
I envy the birds in the trees
And the cold, north-western breeze,
And the tide that ebbs and flows,
The opposite of my fucking sorrows.






I know it's not pretty or inspirational. But the truth very rarely is.

Fear.

Fear
-noun
A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

I had forgotten what it felt like to be afraid, and now I can't push it away.

I'm afraid of losing everything.
I'm afraid of being alone.
I'm afraid of the dark.
I'm afraid of not achieving.
And, most of all, I'm afraid that I am going to be the one who never finds anyone.

Good god, I'm depressing.

Important news.

Today I finished my song - with music and everything. These are the finished lyrics :)

Sweet Nothings and Drawn Out Lies

Holding hands in front of movie screens
Cliched lines in those cliche scenes
We fell long ago and we're pretty secure
But I'm not sure if safe's what I want anymore

I said there's comfort in control
But if we're going down, honey, I wanna let myself go

And I'll whisper into the hum of the telephone,
"Sorry, honey, but I gotta go."
You love me, that much is true
But I want adventure and there's none with you.

You've held my hand for far too long
Perhaps that's why I'm writing this song
And now it's time for our final goodbyes
Someone tell me why there's tears in my eyes?

I said there's comfort in control
But if I'm going down, honey, I gotta let you go

I wanna whisper into the hum of the telephone
"Sorry, honey, but I gotta go."
You love me, that much is true,
But I want adventure and there's none with you

[Piano interlude bit]

I said there's comfort in control
But I've gone now honey, and I let you go

I whispered into the hum of your telephone,
"Sorry, honey, but I'm leaving soon."
You love me, and I'll sorta miss you too
But I want adventure,
Yes, I want adventure
I want adventure...
And there's none
Oh no, there's none.
I want adventure and there's none with you.

Heartbeats.

I think I should rename this blog "For my bestie" because I always seem to be writing about it. Maybe that's because she's one of the most important things in my life. Actually, no, the most important thing in my life - even music seems to come second at the moment.

So, here's a poem for her. And I actually wrote it off the top of my head.

Warm hands, cold feet,
Empty hearts and busy street.
Struggling to discover peace of mind
And the euphoria we yearn find.

The notes and hugs and endless fun...
What will we do when all this is done?
I'm clawing back to grab the past
But looks like this era's over at last.

I'm making little sense, I can see
But these words are only for you and me
To read back when we're old and wise
So you can laugh with your amber eyes.

Rhymes are pretty and time is short
You were my first true cohort.
Warm hands, cold feet,
We've got a life we have to complete.
Together forever, you and I -
Rachel and Charlotte: best friends till we die.