Muhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I really miss her. And I've only been apart from her for two days. But three more days without her seems like an absolute age and I'm getting more and more miserable. It sounds so stupid because I've known her for like three years now and now I miss her more than I ever used to do before.

I love my girlfriend so much.

Here comes the sun...

And now, boys and girls, I can officially say that the summer has started. And I have so many plans for the next twelve weeks, that I don't think I'll be able to sit around for very long!

My Aiden Day.

The day.My day began at 6am. I didn't have to leave till quarter past 8, but I wanted to make sure that I was up and ready and out the door on time because I am usually late. The weather was horrible so I wasn't particularly looking forward to standing out in the rain all fucking day! I straightened my hair (pointless) and did my makeup and even had time for a bit of breakfast! I left at exactly quarter past 8 and then set off to Smithy Bridge train station. All the way there I was listening to my Aiden playlist on my iPod AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE just to get myself in the mood - not that I needed to be in the mood much more, because I was pretty much shaking from excitement as it was.

I got into Manchester at 10 past 9 and went to go get the tram to meet Adele at Piccadilly. I bought my ticket and this guy kept giving me funny looks so I was like "Whut?" He asked me if I was getting the tram to Bury and I was like "No, look, I'm on the other side of the platform, noob!" He then told me that the trams going that way weren't running, but there was a free bus that'd take me. I had wasted 60p, basically and I might've needed that! What an idiot for not helping me out.

I got the free bus anyway and got to Piccadilly at about 25 to 10, so I got myself something to drink, sat down somewhere and waited for Adele. She got in at quarter past 10 so, after she'd made a quick dash to the expensive loos, me and her began our adventure together!

First of all, we went to the photo shop that's just on the corner of Newton Street. Adele'd made a picture of Will that was made out of fag ends and coffee and stuff, so she'd taken a photo and wanted to print it and give it to him before/after the show. When we'd done that, we went to the Roadhouse. There was already about 15-20 people waiting outside. Adele recognised this girl called Lisa, who she knew from going to an Aiden show in Sheffield, and so I found a new friend. We spent a couple of hours talking, whilst trying our very best not to freeze by huddling under Adele's amazing £1 brolly from the Pound Shop.

When me and Adele finally realised that we just couldn't take the cold anymore, we decided to go to Primark and Starbucks - Starbucks to obviously get something to drink and Primark to get a few pairs of socks each to put on our feet and use as gloves. Whilst we were in Primark, I found the most amazing brolly that was only £2.50. Seriously, it was like a mini tent. We bought some socks and then went outside. I opened my new brolly...too far! It went inside out and this guy had to help me and Adele pull it back down. Everyone near by was stood, laughing at us, but I didn't really mind because, to be perfectly honest, it was pretty damn hilarious. After that minor antic, we went to Starbucks and Adele bought the most disgusting cup of tea ever, but she forgot to put milk in it - so she was basically drinking something that looked and smelt and probably tasted like piss. We also changed our socks in Starbucks and these people were getting really annoyed with us because they wanted to sit down, but couldn't because we couldn't fit our shoes back on when we had 3 pairs of socks on! Then we went to Aldi to try and find some cheap food. I bought Jives, which were basically fake Twixs, and Adele bought a massive pack of crisps - seriously, there were 18 bags in it.

We went back to the queue with our new property and found we were basically the saviours of the queue. I gave Lisa some socks for her hands and I managed to fit five people under my new brolly quite easily. I was very impressed. It stopped raining after a while, so I put my brolly down and Adele renamed it - THE PERVERT STICK. We kept pretending to burlesque dance with it, which was how it acquired its name. Ches and Annabel then rang me to tell me - they'd got on THE WRONG TRAIN. Well, I was basically crapping my pants. I told them to get off and get on the right train, which they did, and then went with Lisa to find them (after it'd started raining again - argh!). Lisa was also buying a card for Aiden for fans to sign and stuff, so I signed that and then we went back to the Roadhouse. It stopped raining again later on and so our hilarious dancing continued.

Aiden (well, all bar William) arrived during the middle of one of our dance sessions and nearly ran me and Adele over because we were dancing in the middle of the road! While they were unloading, someone had a video camera so me and Adele ran over and went "PERVERT STICK!" really loudly and shook it, did a dance and then ran off. I think they got us though, so, you never know! We may be on the next installment of Aidenvision! Keep an eye out kids.

Nick, Angel and Jake came and did a bit of signing and stuff. I managed to get my NOT A TICKET (xD) signed by Nick and Angel which was cool but Jake went inside before I'd got an opporunity. However, I think he was scared off because Lisa and Adele had thrown socks at him that had been dropped in the Cheesy Puff Pool (basically, a puddle that Adele had throw an open packet of Cheesy Puffs into). Adele missed spectaularly but Lisa got him right on the head which was hilarious to see!

Lisa decided to video me and Adele dancing with the Pervert Stick after Aiden had gone inside but, whilst recording, it actually BROKE. The pointy bit at the end came off and the spring inside went all funny and so basically it all just fell apart. It was a shame - because we were gonna give it to Aiden as a sort of joke present - but also very, very funny. RIP Pervert Stick. You are sorely missed.

At one point while we were outside, Adele started going, "There's Will!" But no-one believed her because we'd been saying stuff like that all day to make everyone look around. However, this time, she wasn't joking, and so we eventually turned around and saw him walking in! All the fangirls screamed and so he basically ran inside. Ches said that he looked like a hobbit with sunglasses on, because he's not amazingly tall and was hunched over with a backpack. The comment made me giggle and so now, at least, she has something to think of him as that will make her giggle instead of being freaked out (I'll get onto that bit).

Lisa stole someone's pen and wrote all our names on a poster holder thing and Annabel added things like, "We love Gary Glitter!" which made everyone giggle. We also did an impression of Will's dance when he stole Rick's pizza which made everyone laugh. Adele's friend Lorna was blatently the star however, because she ran behind us and did something. It was mega funny. Adele also amused people by writing "Angel ♥s Anal" on the wall, as well as sticking Jives there. It was a work of art, blates. We then decided to get in the queue properly, even though a whole load of late comers were pushing in front of us, so I spent a lot of the hour before the show shouting things like, "Y'know, I think it's fucking rude that some motherfuckers think they can turn up half an hour before the show and push in front of people who've been here since half 10 in the fucking morning!" Lisa had been there since 9 as well, so that was even ruder.

However, 6pm finally arrived and so we all ran inside and Adele and I managed to get pretty near the front, but Ches and Annabel decided that they wanted to be at the back. This fucking blonde bitch turned up as well and grabbed me and pulled me further back so that she could get nearer to the front. So this girl behind me, who I don't know, but now officially love started saying things to her like, "Who the fuck do you think you are? You've just split up this girl and her mate? Who the fuck gave you the right to turn up 10 minutes before the gig starts and get right to the front? Get to the fucking back!"

I promised the girl that I would buy her many sweeties if I ever saw her again. Because, quite frankly, she was hilarious. The two of us kept doing impressions of the blonde bitch and started talking about how we'd pull her wig off and stuff. And then the lights went down and it was time for the show...



The gig.
The first band that came on were a band called Idiom, which Adele and I quickly changed to Idiot. They were okay but nothing really special. Their lead singer was really freaky and, according to Ches and Annabel, danced like a shit version of Adam Lazarra. I was just more freaked out that he started stroking people's faces when he went near them. I couldn't really understand much that he was saying/singing either because he sort of mumbled when talking and just screamed when singing most of the time. I do like screamo, but it wasn't really the venue for it, I don't think. Especially when no-one knows who you are.

The second support band (and the main one as they kept reminding us) were called the Young Guns. They were a little better, but they had a poser for a lead singer. He seemed to think he was the next Ian Watkins or something. And he kept trying to have staring contests with me and stuff from the stage. It was really scary! When they had gone, however, the blonde girl went to go and get a drink and so me and Adele managed to push back in her space. BOOYAH! We basically win at life.

After the stage had been set up, the lights went down again and the whole place went a little crazy with everyone screaming and shouting and stuff. Nick, Jake and Angel all came on first, of course and started to play some stuff. Then eventually Will came on and I very nearly started crying again. Just the fact that all four of my heroes were stood in front of me was breathtaking and I couldn't believe that I was so lucky! I fought off this guy that was trying to punch me to get further forward and managed to end up on like the second row of people.

They played "The Last Sunrise" first and so everyone was jumping around and pushing forward and singing their fucking hearts out. I managed to hold Will's hand during that song and so I nearly cried again! I did it later on in the gig as well, and I also managed to touch Angel's guitar and hand. The whole gig felt like a battle but, at the same time, it felt fucking amazing because I knew why I was there - I was there to support the band that has kept me going since day one of finding out who they are and why they're doing what they doing. I was there to be a part of something; to be part of a family of sorts. Everyone in that room belonged, no matter if we didn't really like each other in the first place. We were, and are, a part of Aiden's family of fans, the people that help them to keep going so that they can help us in return.

Will told everyone that he'd got married, of course, and said that his baba boy is due in October which I think is going to be awesome! He looked like he was going to cry and, both Adele and I agree, that he's going to be an amazing dad because he's grown up so much over the last two years. It was really good to see him so happy. He also said that he needed our help with baba names so I shouted..."NOT BANDIT!" He heard and started laughing, as did the others, and so I think he got the message that stupid names are not allowed. I will disown him if so.

At the very end of the gig, I managed to highfive Angel when he went as well as grab Nick's hand! When Will came over, though, he not only grabbed my hand but pulled me forward by my shoulders and screamed "FUCK YEAH!" right in my face! For the first moment in my life, I was pretty scared of him! I seriously thought he was going to eat me or something!


After the gig.
I went to go and buy a tee from the merch stand, only to find that my wallet had fallen out of my pocket during the gig! I went back to where I had been and this guy was waving it around going, "Has anyone lost this shitty wallet?!" and I was like, "Yeah, meeeee." I wasn't embarrassed though because I was just pleased that I'd found it! It had all the money that I had to my name in it! I went and bought a tee from the stand and then looked around for Adele. I couldn't find her, Ches or Annabel anywhere, so I got some water and went outside. I found Ches and Annabel there and they told me about their gig experience. Adele then came outside and we were all like OHMYFUCKINGGOD for a little while.

After about half an hour or something like that, Aiden came out. Ches gave me her picture to give it to them, as well as her ticket so that I could get it signed for her. I went over to Jake and got him to sign our tickets and stuff and then went to Nick. I gave Nick the picture and said, "My best friend drew this for you. She's a bit shy so that's why she's not come over. She thinks it's really crap, but it's really, really not." He looked through the roll thing, because he was being mobbed and so couldn't unroll it and said, "Awww that's really awesome. Tell her thank you very much and not to be shy next time. I won't bite her." And he signed her ticket as well. Then I went to Will with Adele and she gave him her picture! He was chuffed to bits with it, and I took a picture of the two of them - Adele says it's the best one of him and her which I'm really pleased I've managed to do! He signed both my NOT A TICKET and Ches's ticket, even though he was going, "I gotta go, I gotta go!" as well as Adele's top! Finally, we went over to Angel and I thought I'd given him Ches's ticket, but I'd given him my NOT A TICKET by accident! So, discreetly, I gave him hers as well and he signed it. Thankfully, he didn't notice he'd signed my thing twice...Then they all set off, either in a van or walked down the street.

I rang my dad up then and he set off to come and pick us up. Ches and Annabel got picked up and me and Adele made them all laugh because we were making chicken noises. After a while, there was only me, Adele and a couple of other people. Angel and Jake came back to the pizza shop while I was on the phone to my dad and I was talking really, really loudly so Angel kept giving me funny looks, which made me laugh a lot. When my dad finally found where we were, we ran past and went "BYEEEEE!" and Jake did this crazy little wave and went "BYEEEEEEE!" back, which was really, really funny.

When we got home, my dad made some chips for me and Adele because we were starving and then we went online for a bit. We were pretty fucking tired though, so we went to sleep really quickly, and dreamt about the amazing day that we had had together.

Fucking hell, a lot happened! I hope you haven't got too bored if you have actually read all of this, because I know it is an essay and a half. But the tale had to be told! Comment it, mofos. It deserves it, because, quite honestly, it was one of the best days of my life. Ever.

Guess what kids?

Today I spent most of the day in the sunshine with Ellie and it was really, really good and felt properly like summer. We sat outside and made daisy chains and took picatures together. I kept trying to take picatures of the bumble bees that were raping the bushes nearby but they moved too quick. And a spider kept trying to crawl up my leg and I got scared. I don't like spiders.

I'm so happy right now. Honestly, I just...I don't know, I can't really explain it. I just want to dance and sing...a lot. I just don't want to hurt her, which I'm worried I will do because I seem to do that a lot. It's kinda like I'm this big fireball of love and cuddles, but whenever I try I turn the other person to ashes and I hate watching it happen. I think I've been lying to myself about this for a long time, but I'm glad we've both said what we were thinking now. I feel like a new person and I kinda like it. I feel much more free.

Also, I am a pervert. And there is no running away from that fact. Just...my mind really likes to wander...

Today

Should have been my grandma Mollie's 84th birthday. It's not because she had her life stolen from her by something that made her less than herself and that made her feel a burden on all of us who cared about her. Although it sounds a perfectly good age to leave life, my grandma should still be living. She was too young to die.

I miss my grandma. I miss my grandad too, but at least he died with some dignity. My grandma died after lying unconcious in a hospital bed for three days, in the middle of the night with no-one around her. I was there when my dad got the phone call and I heard him crying. I sat there sobbing in the church, with people I barely knew, but loved because they were saying goodbye as well.

Cancer destroys families.

Crash Fuckin' Bandicoot.

I agree with Ches on this one. American celebrities seem to have no idea about naming their children. Lucinda got it right - Violet is a really pretty name for a girl. I'd be quite happy to be called Violet if my parents had named me that because it's feminine and makes you sound interesting. Let's face it, if someone said they were called that, you'd probably compliment it.

But fucking BANDIT?! I bet you anything, Linds didn't even get a look in. Gerard and Pete had it planned that they were gonna name their kids after fucking gangs and that was that. The girls had no say (although, with Pete, that was probably for the best as Ashlee would name it something like Sparkly Diamond Baby). Poor kid...Gerard, what the hell is wrong with you? Why not name the kid after your brother as well - you do say that you're best friends. Lindsey - why didn't you stand up for yourself? Don't let that man name your child something stupid! We all know that you are a million times more sensible than him.

And William Francis - if you don't name your child something sensible, I will refuse to even think about you because, although it's nothing to do with music, if you can't give your child a nice name, then you're obviously uncaring and a bit thick really. So, I will tell you this myself, I hope, but GIVE YOUR BOY A NICE NAME! Something sensible like Alex or Joey or Andrew.

And also because Ches has said she will call you her favourite band. MUHA!

So...

I've been stuck inside the house for basically a day and a half and I'm already going a little mad. I just wish that my dad would give me a damn key so that I can perhaps go out or have someone come and see me! It's not funny that all I can do is sit here. I'm getting a little bit of revision done, true, but I am actually going insane! I mean, this morning I actually walked up and down the stairs six or seven times for no actual reason. I am also sat here with greasy hair and pyjamas on which is not like me. Normally I have a shower and get dressed even if I'm not going anywhere.

Oh my god, I want to smash my head on the table! I can't take another three days of this!

Having said that...I don't wanna go to beavers tonight. That is another prison. And it also means I have to spend an hour in the company of...Danny. God help me. I'm going to be dead by the end of this week.

LOL of the year!

It was just too funny! I swear to god, I'm gonna giggle every time I think about it. I think I'm a secret perv at heart. That's made my year!

Now, I have to move William away from the door...
Another inside joke.

I remember.

Some days it really hits you how time changes things. I remember when me and my eldest cousin used to be as thick as thieves. We talked all the time, never argued, sorted each other's problems out, she gave vito on any love interests I had...we were like best friends as well as cousins. I was never upset when she was there because we would always make each other laugh when we played Beach Boys and Surf Girls with all the other kids or when we just sat in the soft and talked about anything. We always wanted to sleep in there when we were at grandma and grandad's, even though it was cold, because it was like our hiding place. No-one ever knew you were there.

I remember when we went to London last year. It was the best two days in the world. We raved together on the train, laughed when I forgot that I wasn't meant to be having any chocolate and ordered a hot chocolate in Starbucks and took as many silly pictures as we could. She got renamed lava lamp because our auntie had thought that's what I'd called her, when I'd actually called her "Emma-mama-mama". We mastered the art of chopsticks - well, she did and I failed. We went on an open-top bus and laughed because we tried to take a picture and it was too windy, so we looked like were in a tornado. We just had so much fun together, it was unreal.

And now...the last time I saw her was when she came to my house. She doesn't have time around her busy social life and I feel kind of jealous. It's like I've faded out of her life. There's just this big Emma shaped hole and I don't know how to fill it.

I wish we had never grown up.

So, I haven't posted a blog in a few days.

And I really think it's time that I did. I need to get some stuff out of my system, I think, because it's dragging me down and making me feel very isolated. I appreciate that I have my friends there for me - and I honestly wouldn't change any of them for the world - but I'm finding myself losing my colour again.

I once described myself as a canvas, something vibrant and, perhaps, beautiful that people can appreciate as a work of art. Although I didn't mean it literally (yet - pink hair and tattoos will come in time), I think most people understood what I was trying to say. I'm not the sort of girl who likes to stay in one place, doing one thing all the time and staying quiet, because I believe that I was born to speak out and do something different and tour the world with my music. At the moment, music is my art. That is what I do.

I haven't sung in weeks, not unless I've had to or I've been listening to a CD in the car. But that never feels the same as sitting down at my piano and singing my heart out, just on my own. I just haven't felt like doing there. I just sorta sit down, start and then stop because I'm not in the mood. Is there anyone else out there who understands what that's like for me? I feel like a part of me - specifically, my reason for existence and my colour - has been stolen in the middle of the night and I don't really know where to look for it. I've tried busying myself with other things - with writing, with supporting bands, with phone conversations, with anything that normally works to get me back on track. But nothing is helping. I don't know what to do really.

I'm trying my best to keep my friends going right now. I'm not, in any way shape or form, saying that they're not doing their bit to help keep me going, because they really are. I think if they hadn't spent time telling me how special I am to them, I think I would've just given up and teachers would have found themselves an empty seat in the exam hall. I think I'm coping because I've only resorted to doing something stupid once, and it was only little. Yeah, I've not told anyone and it's healed now, so that's another bit over. Sorry if finding that out upset you, but I don't really think you need to worry. I think I've found closure for that bit of my life. It was stupid and unneccessary.

But, yes, basically - I'm sorta struggling right now. And maybe it comes as a surprise to a lot of you, because I always do my best to smile and make everyone else happy. When other people are happy, that's usually all that matters to me. But if I'm not quite as upbeat as you might expect, don't ask me why I'm like that - because I don't know myself - but just give me a hug or something and I'll try and cheer up.

I love you all. Please don't forget that.

PS. Insulting my friends isn't going to get you in my good books, is it? Think about what you're doing before you do that, especially when you say that you care 'so much' about me. You blatently don't if you're willing to insult others when you know that I care about them very deeply and will therefore take offence on their part. No, I haven't yet forgiven you, so don't have a rant at me.

The Days We Felt Alive

i.
I’ll spare you the fairytale,
But only if it will make you feel better.
I will not tell you how I heard your name singing in the
Cavern I called my heart.
I will also not tell you that you no longer exist,
For what is a memory to me now?

If only I could hear you read that sweet tale,
And sing that aria with your eyes.
You were the only one with room
Enough for me and my problems.
Why am I make-believe?
Why am I clawing at the memories that you have
Thrown away?

ii.
We once said we would be always,
And we promised in solemn naivety that we would become
One.
But now we have opened our eyes,
Only to be blinded by the darkness.
We always struggled to find the path;
There was never room enough for two.

What I would give for those feeble promises
To be voiced again, in that same breathless
Exhilaration that varnished our adolescence.
The darkness is cracking;
Look, come feel the warmth of the light.
The path is there –
We must become one to walk.

iii.
I am retracing your path with my fingertips,
Touching the walls to find traces of you.
Are you in the splinters that pain me?
You suffocate me with the utmost care,
And I am on the brink of adoration.
I have never believed before that I could want
Such a sweet destruction,
Or such a perfect poison.

I am no splinter.
Can you not feel my healing kiss?
Tip-toe over the edge of your fear and find solace
In this abyss that I call home.
I am your poison, your destruction.
I am your love.

This isn't very good. But I would like some feedback on it :)

Home alone

And I'm not even at home! I don't know where Ryan's disappeared off to - summat about buying dog food I think. Or moving his car. I don't even know!

I am confused dot com.

Y'know what they say about all good things...

I never knew why they say they always come to an end. And then today it hit me, like a fucking rock in the chest. Tomorrow is going to be heartbreaking and I know that. I know that I'll still hold onto people like Ches, Annabel and Ellie, but what about everyone else? To be honest, I doubt anyone really cares enough to want to keep hold of me. I know that, for the most part, my tears will be because I'm losing everyone - well, not everyone, but certainly most people.

Of course that I know that we're all going on to bigger and better things - there's loads of new opportunities out there for us, and looking back at the past isn't going to help us see when they're coming. But at the same time, I'd like to hold onto both sides - keep the old and the new together, without that gulf inbetween. And, let's face it, it really is going to be a huge fucking hole.

Aside from me being selfish...I wish, more than anything, that I could heal broken hearts. Because I hate it when I see people cry, but it hurts more when it's someone I really care about.

Closure.

I told you that there was nothing more to say,
I was I, you were you,
And with a nod, we went our own ways;
No regrets, no tears.
We were seperate entities and
That was okay.

Missing you more every day
Breathing
Difficult
Make it okay for me to forget
Why my naive lungs
Want to turn to ash.

I saw you in the park and you were with her,
And we smiled at each other like friends will.
You introduced me, told me you were hers.
She was nice enough,
All smiling, but no fun,
But I could forgive you that
Blatent error.

Knotting the bedcovers late at night
In the
Darkness
And screaming out
With no sound...
Just blood and tears
And suffocation.

I told you the truth about me once,
And it sounded like a poem.
But poems are for the intelligent and the brave,
So there are no rhymes here.
Just a mish-mash of words that
Make no real sense,
And a funny line structure that
Represents all the shattered
Pieces of my being.

I am alone and out of touch,
I held on a bit too much.
I envy the birds in the trees
And the cold, north-western breeze,
And the tide that ebbs and flows,
The opposite of my fucking sorrows.






I know it's not pretty or inspirational. But the truth very rarely is.

Fear.

Fear
-noun
A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

I had forgotten what it felt like to be afraid, and now I can't push it away.

I'm afraid of losing everything.
I'm afraid of being alone.
I'm afraid of the dark.
I'm afraid of not achieving.
And, most of all, I'm afraid that I am going to be the one who never finds anyone.

Good god, I'm depressing.

Important news.

Today I finished my song - with music and everything. These are the finished lyrics :)

Sweet Nothings and Drawn Out Lies

Holding hands in front of movie screens
Cliched lines in those cliche scenes
We fell long ago and we're pretty secure
But I'm not sure if safe's what I want anymore

I said there's comfort in control
But if we're going down, honey, I wanna let myself go

And I'll whisper into the hum of the telephone,
"Sorry, honey, but I gotta go."
You love me, that much is true
But I want adventure and there's none with you.

You've held my hand for far too long
Perhaps that's why I'm writing this song
And now it's time for our final goodbyes
Someone tell me why there's tears in my eyes?

I said there's comfort in control
But if I'm going down, honey, I gotta let you go

I wanna whisper into the hum of the telephone
"Sorry, honey, but I gotta go."
You love me, that much is true,
But I want adventure and there's none with you

[Piano interlude bit]

I said there's comfort in control
But I've gone now honey, and I let you go

I whispered into the hum of your telephone,
"Sorry, honey, but I'm leaving soon."
You love me, and I'll sorta miss you too
But I want adventure,
Yes, I want adventure
I want adventure...
And there's none
Oh no, there's none.
I want adventure and there's none with you.

Heartbeats.

I think I should rename this blog "For my bestie" because I always seem to be writing about it. Maybe that's because she's one of the most important things in my life. Actually, no, the most important thing in my life - even music seems to come second at the moment.

So, here's a poem for her. And I actually wrote it off the top of my head.

Warm hands, cold feet,
Empty hearts and busy street.
Struggling to discover peace of mind
And the euphoria we yearn find.

The notes and hugs and endless fun...
What will we do when all this is done?
I'm clawing back to grab the past
But looks like this era's over at last.

I'm making little sense, I can see
But these words are only for you and me
To read back when we're old and wise
So you can laugh with your amber eyes.

Rhymes are pretty and time is short
You were my first true cohort.
Warm hands, cold feet,
We've got a life we have to complete.
Together forever, you and I -
Rachel and Charlotte: best friends till we die.

Countdowns.

It is 11 days until Knives comes out.
It is 37 days until I see Aiden live for the second time.
It is 41 days until I finish my GCSEs.
It is 527 days till I am 18 years old. On that day, I will be getting my first tattoo.

I've given up on looking backwards. But sometimes, I still feel it tapping my shoulder and tempting me.

(And, for the record, that's my 50th blog).

Fucking hypocrite.

I just don't get some people, to be honest. Right, okay, they've had a major trauma this week - I can understand them being upset about it. God knows, I would be. I can even imagine criticising everything that the people involved did because they'd have hurt me so bad. Yes, I can understand that bit. I can also understand not wanting to talk about it because there'd be so much gossip.

But...if you don't want to talk about it, why make such a fucking fuss? Putting it in your MSN name isn't exactly keeping things on the low - and that goes for more than just the person I'm pissed off at. For fuck's sake - all you're doing there is making yourself the centre of attention and becoming the fool. We're all interested in what happened - of course we are, we're human, we like a bit of gossip every now and again - but do you really have to be such a fucking dick about it? Storming around going, "I can never forgive them!" when the day you found out you were being all nicey-nice with her and kissing him doesn't really add up in anyone's books. And the fact that you're storming around all the fucking time doesn't exactly make people want to keep outta stuff - they wanna know what's going on.

Basically, you need to grow up. I think everyone who's reading this knows who I'm talking about. Tell her if you like. But, maybe you agree with me and aren't just after another fucking fight to gossip about.

Dear Charlotte,

I have nothing really that special to say today. Today is nothing of any consequence - just another Tuesday. Today, neither of us are going to save the world and, unless it's to each other, we will probably not say anything very interesting. That's because life is like that. Until we're older, and people accept us more, we physically cannot do anything more than what we already do.

But, I'm writing this letter (well, blog) just to let you know something - I love you, okay? Sometimes I read things, or you tell me things, and I feel so upset for you, because I know what you're going through. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, I never seem to be able to make it any better for you. Maybe you don't feel it all the time, but you are loved - not only by me, but our other friends too and even my parents think you're the bees knees. Don't tell yourself that you're worthless because you're not; you have so much left to do in your life.

So what they don't give you support? A lack of support will never take away your talent or your dreams. Sometimes it's hard to go after what you want and you want someone who'll hold your hand and half-drag you towards them - god knows, I feel like that sometimes. But even if it's not them that's gonna be there for you, think of everyone else in your life who will be. You can't try to tell me there's a shortage of them. I can think of at least three, not including me.

You are a very special person in my life, Charlotte Hidderley. You've saved me from myself more than music has at times. Did you know that? No, probably not, because I don't think I've said it before. But it's true. Sometimes when I've been sat there thinking, "Fuck this, what can someone singing into a microphone do to stop all this shit?" you've appeared and been like a little star in the darkness. And I've put down the scissors and the pills and I've thought, "Y'know what, I'll keep going, just for her."

You know that if you ever need anything, then I will be here. I know you probably think, "Oh, yeah, whatever" every time that I say this, but it's the honest truth - you're not going to lose me, sweetheart. I can't physically live without you. Every time you say that I won't have time for you or whatever, I feel like I'm going to be sick because I just don't know what I'll do without you. Who else is going to wack me round the head for forgetting stuff or cuddle me when I'm upset or let me massage them? There's only one person in the world who's going to be able to fill that space and that's you.

Think positive about everything and I'll help you along.

I love you so very much.
Your Roo :)
xoxo