Muhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I really miss her. And I've only been apart from her for two days. But three more days without her seems like an absolute age and I'm getting more and more miserable. It sounds so stupid because I've known her for like three years now and now I miss her more than I ever used to do before.

I love my girlfriend so much.

Here comes the sun...

And now, boys and girls, I can officially say that the summer has started. And I have so many plans for the next twelve weeks, that I don't think I'll be able to sit around for very long!

My Aiden Day.

The day.My day began at 6am. I didn't have to leave till quarter past 8, but I wanted to make sure that I was up and ready and out the door on time because I am usually late. The weather was horrible so I wasn't particularly looking forward to standing out in the rain all fucking day! I straightened my hair (pointless) and did my makeup and even had time for a bit of breakfast! I left at exactly quarter past 8 and then set off to Smithy Bridge train station. All the way there I was listening to my Aiden playlist on my iPod AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE just to get myself in the mood - not that I needed to be in the mood much more, because I was pretty much shaking from excitement as it was.

I got into Manchester at 10 past 9 and went to go get the tram to meet Adele at Piccadilly. I bought my ticket and this guy kept giving me funny looks so I was like "Whut?" He asked me if I was getting the tram to Bury and I was like "No, look, I'm on the other side of the platform, noob!" He then told me that the trams going that way weren't running, but there was a free bus that'd take me. I had wasted 60p, basically and I might've needed that! What an idiot for not helping me out.

I got the free bus anyway and got to Piccadilly at about 25 to 10, so I got myself something to drink, sat down somewhere and waited for Adele. She got in at quarter past 10 so, after she'd made a quick dash to the expensive loos, me and her began our adventure together!

First of all, we went to the photo shop that's just on the corner of Newton Street. Adele'd made a picture of Will that was made out of fag ends and coffee and stuff, so she'd taken a photo and wanted to print it and give it to him before/after the show. When we'd done that, we went to the Roadhouse. There was already about 15-20 people waiting outside. Adele recognised this girl called Lisa, who she knew from going to an Aiden show in Sheffield, and so I found a new friend. We spent a couple of hours talking, whilst trying our very best not to freeze by huddling under Adele's amazing £1 brolly from the Pound Shop.

When me and Adele finally realised that we just couldn't take the cold anymore, we decided to go to Primark and Starbucks - Starbucks to obviously get something to drink and Primark to get a few pairs of socks each to put on our feet and use as gloves. Whilst we were in Primark, I found the most amazing brolly that was only £2.50. Seriously, it was like a mini tent. We bought some socks and then went outside. I opened my new brolly...too far! It went inside out and this guy had to help me and Adele pull it back down. Everyone near by was stood, laughing at us, but I didn't really mind because, to be perfectly honest, it was pretty damn hilarious. After that minor antic, we went to Starbucks and Adele bought the most disgusting cup of tea ever, but she forgot to put milk in it - so she was basically drinking something that looked and smelt and probably tasted like piss. We also changed our socks in Starbucks and these people were getting really annoyed with us because they wanted to sit down, but couldn't because we couldn't fit our shoes back on when we had 3 pairs of socks on! Then we went to Aldi to try and find some cheap food. I bought Jives, which were basically fake Twixs, and Adele bought a massive pack of crisps - seriously, there were 18 bags in it.

We went back to the queue with our new property and found we were basically the saviours of the queue. I gave Lisa some socks for her hands and I managed to fit five people under my new brolly quite easily. I was very impressed. It stopped raining after a while, so I put my brolly down and Adele renamed it - THE PERVERT STICK. We kept pretending to burlesque dance with it, which was how it acquired its name. Ches and Annabel then rang me to tell me - they'd got on THE WRONG TRAIN. Well, I was basically crapping my pants. I told them to get off and get on the right train, which they did, and then went with Lisa to find them (after it'd started raining again - argh!). Lisa was also buying a card for Aiden for fans to sign and stuff, so I signed that and then we went back to the Roadhouse. It stopped raining again later on and so our hilarious dancing continued.

Aiden (well, all bar William) arrived during the middle of one of our dance sessions and nearly ran me and Adele over because we were dancing in the middle of the road! While they were unloading, someone had a video camera so me and Adele ran over and went "PERVERT STICK!" really loudly and shook it, did a dance and then ran off. I think they got us though, so, you never know! We may be on the next installment of Aidenvision! Keep an eye out kids.

Nick, Angel and Jake came and did a bit of signing and stuff. I managed to get my NOT A TICKET (xD) signed by Nick and Angel which was cool but Jake went inside before I'd got an opporunity. However, I think he was scared off because Lisa and Adele had thrown socks at him that had been dropped in the Cheesy Puff Pool (basically, a puddle that Adele had throw an open packet of Cheesy Puffs into). Adele missed spectaularly but Lisa got him right on the head which was hilarious to see!

Lisa decided to video me and Adele dancing with the Pervert Stick after Aiden had gone inside but, whilst recording, it actually BROKE. The pointy bit at the end came off and the spring inside went all funny and so basically it all just fell apart. It was a shame - because we were gonna give it to Aiden as a sort of joke present - but also very, very funny. RIP Pervert Stick. You are sorely missed.

At one point while we were outside, Adele started going, "There's Will!" But no-one believed her because we'd been saying stuff like that all day to make everyone look around. However, this time, she wasn't joking, and so we eventually turned around and saw him walking in! All the fangirls screamed and so he basically ran inside. Ches said that he looked like a hobbit with sunglasses on, because he's not amazingly tall and was hunched over with a backpack. The comment made me giggle and so now, at least, she has something to think of him as that will make her giggle instead of being freaked out (I'll get onto that bit).

Lisa stole someone's pen and wrote all our names on a poster holder thing and Annabel added things like, "We love Gary Glitter!" which made everyone giggle. We also did an impression of Will's dance when he stole Rick's pizza which made everyone laugh. Adele's friend Lorna was blatently the star however, because she ran behind us and did something. It was mega funny. Adele also amused people by writing "Angel ♥s Anal" on the wall, as well as sticking Jives there. It was a work of art, blates. We then decided to get in the queue properly, even though a whole load of late comers were pushing in front of us, so I spent a lot of the hour before the show shouting things like, "Y'know, I think it's fucking rude that some motherfuckers think they can turn up half an hour before the show and push in front of people who've been here since half 10 in the fucking morning!" Lisa had been there since 9 as well, so that was even ruder.

However, 6pm finally arrived and so we all ran inside and Adele and I managed to get pretty near the front, but Ches and Annabel decided that they wanted to be at the back. This fucking blonde bitch turned up as well and grabbed me and pulled me further back so that she could get nearer to the front. So this girl behind me, who I don't know, but now officially love started saying things to her like, "Who the fuck do you think you are? You've just split up this girl and her mate? Who the fuck gave you the right to turn up 10 minutes before the gig starts and get right to the front? Get to the fucking back!"

I promised the girl that I would buy her many sweeties if I ever saw her again. Because, quite frankly, she was hilarious. The two of us kept doing impressions of the blonde bitch and started talking about how we'd pull her wig off and stuff. And then the lights went down and it was time for the show...



The gig.
The first band that came on were a band called Idiom, which Adele and I quickly changed to Idiot. They were okay but nothing really special. Their lead singer was really freaky and, according to Ches and Annabel, danced like a shit version of Adam Lazarra. I was just more freaked out that he started stroking people's faces when he went near them. I couldn't really understand much that he was saying/singing either because he sort of mumbled when talking and just screamed when singing most of the time. I do like screamo, but it wasn't really the venue for it, I don't think. Especially when no-one knows who you are.

The second support band (and the main one as they kept reminding us) were called the Young Guns. They were a little better, but they had a poser for a lead singer. He seemed to think he was the next Ian Watkins or something. And he kept trying to have staring contests with me and stuff from the stage. It was really scary! When they had gone, however, the blonde girl went to go and get a drink and so me and Adele managed to push back in her space. BOOYAH! We basically win at life.

After the stage had been set up, the lights went down again and the whole place went a little crazy with everyone screaming and shouting and stuff. Nick, Jake and Angel all came on first, of course and started to play some stuff. Then eventually Will came on and I very nearly started crying again. Just the fact that all four of my heroes were stood in front of me was breathtaking and I couldn't believe that I was so lucky! I fought off this guy that was trying to punch me to get further forward and managed to end up on like the second row of people.

They played "The Last Sunrise" first and so everyone was jumping around and pushing forward and singing their fucking hearts out. I managed to hold Will's hand during that song and so I nearly cried again! I did it later on in the gig as well, and I also managed to touch Angel's guitar and hand. The whole gig felt like a battle but, at the same time, it felt fucking amazing because I knew why I was there - I was there to support the band that has kept me going since day one of finding out who they are and why they're doing what they doing. I was there to be a part of something; to be part of a family of sorts. Everyone in that room belonged, no matter if we didn't really like each other in the first place. We were, and are, a part of Aiden's family of fans, the people that help them to keep going so that they can help us in return.

Will told everyone that he'd got married, of course, and said that his baba boy is due in October which I think is going to be awesome! He looked like he was going to cry and, both Adele and I agree, that he's going to be an amazing dad because he's grown up so much over the last two years. It was really good to see him so happy. He also said that he needed our help with baba names so I shouted..."NOT BANDIT!" He heard and started laughing, as did the others, and so I think he got the message that stupid names are not allowed. I will disown him if so.

At the very end of the gig, I managed to highfive Angel when he went as well as grab Nick's hand! When Will came over, though, he not only grabbed my hand but pulled me forward by my shoulders and screamed "FUCK YEAH!" right in my face! For the first moment in my life, I was pretty scared of him! I seriously thought he was going to eat me or something!


After the gig.
I went to go and buy a tee from the merch stand, only to find that my wallet had fallen out of my pocket during the gig! I went back to where I had been and this guy was waving it around going, "Has anyone lost this shitty wallet?!" and I was like, "Yeah, meeeee." I wasn't embarrassed though because I was just pleased that I'd found it! It had all the money that I had to my name in it! I went and bought a tee from the stand and then looked around for Adele. I couldn't find her, Ches or Annabel anywhere, so I got some water and went outside. I found Ches and Annabel there and they told me about their gig experience. Adele then came outside and we were all like OHMYFUCKINGGOD for a little while.

After about half an hour or something like that, Aiden came out. Ches gave me her picture to give it to them, as well as her ticket so that I could get it signed for her. I went over to Jake and got him to sign our tickets and stuff and then went to Nick. I gave Nick the picture and said, "My best friend drew this for you. She's a bit shy so that's why she's not come over. She thinks it's really crap, but it's really, really not." He looked through the roll thing, because he was being mobbed and so couldn't unroll it and said, "Awww that's really awesome. Tell her thank you very much and not to be shy next time. I won't bite her." And he signed her ticket as well. Then I went to Will with Adele and she gave him her picture! He was chuffed to bits with it, and I took a picture of the two of them - Adele says it's the best one of him and her which I'm really pleased I've managed to do! He signed both my NOT A TICKET and Ches's ticket, even though he was going, "I gotta go, I gotta go!" as well as Adele's top! Finally, we went over to Angel and I thought I'd given him Ches's ticket, but I'd given him my NOT A TICKET by accident! So, discreetly, I gave him hers as well and he signed it. Thankfully, he didn't notice he'd signed my thing twice...Then they all set off, either in a van or walked down the street.

I rang my dad up then and he set off to come and pick us up. Ches and Annabel got picked up and me and Adele made them all laugh because we were making chicken noises. After a while, there was only me, Adele and a couple of other people. Angel and Jake came back to the pizza shop while I was on the phone to my dad and I was talking really, really loudly so Angel kept giving me funny looks, which made me laugh a lot. When my dad finally found where we were, we ran past and went "BYEEEEE!" and Jake did this crazy little wave and went "BYEEEEEEE!" back, which was really, really funny.

When we got home, my dad made some chips for me and Adele because we were starving and then we went online for a bit. We were pretty fucking tired though, so we went to sleep really quickly, and dreamt about the amazing day that we had had together.

Fucking hell, a lot happened! I hope you haven't got too bored if you have actually read all of this, because I know it is an essay and a half. But the tale had to be told! Comment it, mofos. It deserves it, because, quite honestly, it was one of the best days of my life. Ever.

Guess what kids?

Today I spent most of the day in the sunshine with Ellie and it was really, really good and felt properly like summer. We sat outside and made daisy chains and took picatures together. I kept trying to take picatures of the bumble bees that were raping the bushes nearby but they moved too quick. And a spider kept trying to crawl up my leg and I got scared. I don't like spiders.

I'm so happy right now. Honestly, I just...I don't know, I can't really explain it. I just want to dance and sing...a lot. I just don't want to hurt her, which I'm worried I will do because I seem to do that a lot. It's kinda like I'm this big fireball of love and cuddles, but whenever I try I turn the other person to ashes and I hate watching it happen. I think I've been lying to myself about this for a long time, but I'm glad we've both said what we were thinking now. I feel like a new person and I kinda like it. I feel much more free.

Also, I am a pervert. And there is no running away from that fact. Just...my mind really likes to wander...

Today

Should have been my grandma Mollie's 84th birthday. It's not because she had her life stolen from her by something that made her less than herself and that made her feel a burden on all of us who cared about her. Although it sounds a perfectly good age to leave life, my grandma should still be living. She was too young to die.

I miss my grandma. I miss my grandad too, but at least he died with some dignity. My grandma died after lying unconcious in a hospital bed for three days, in the middle of the night with no-one around her. I was there when my dad got the phone call and I heard him crying. I sat there sobbing in the church, with people I barely knew, but loved because they were saying goodbye as well.

Cancer destroys families.

Crash Fuckin' Bandicoot.

I agree with Ches on this one. American celebrities seem to have no idea about naming their children. Lucinda got it right - Violet is a really pretty name for a girl. I'd be quite happy to be called Violet if my parents had named me that because it's feminine and makes you sound interesting. Let's face it, if someone said they were called that, you'd probably compliment it.

But fucking BANDIT?! I bet you anything, Linds didn't even get a look in. Gerard and Pete had it planned that they were gonna name their kids after fucking gangs and that was that. The girls had no say (although, with Pete, that was probably for the best as Ashlee would name it something like Sparkly Diamond Baby). Poor kid...Gerard, what the hell is wrong with you? Why not name the kid after your brother as well - you do say that you're best friends. Lindsey - why didn't you stand up for yourself? Don't let that man name your child something stupid! We all know that you are a million times more sensible than him.

And William Francis - if you don't name your child something sensible, I will refuse to even think about you because, although it's nothing to do with music, if you can't give your child a nice name, then you're obviously uncaring and a bit thick really. So, I will tell you this myself, I hope, but GIVE YOUR BOY A NICE NAME! Something sensible like Alex or Joey or Andrew.

And also because Ches has said she will call you her favourite band. MUHA!

So...

I've been stuck inside the house for basically a day and a half and I'm already going a little mad. I just wish that my dad would give me a damn key so that I can perhaps go out or have someone come and see me! It's not funny that all I can do is sit here. I'm getting a little bit of revision done, true, but I am actually going insane! I mean, this morning I actually walked up and down the stairs six or seven times for no actual reason. I am also sat here with greasy hair and pyjamas on which is not like me. Normally I have a shower and get dressed even if I'm not going anywhere.

Oh my god, I want to smash my head on the table! I can't take another three days of this!

Having said that...I don't wanna go to beavers tonight. That is another prison. And it also means I have to spend an hour in the company of...Danny. God help me. I'm going to be dead by the end of this week.

LOL of the year!

It was just too funny! I swear to god, I'm gonna giggle every time I think about it. I think I'm a secret perv at heart. That's made my year!

Now, I have to move William away from the door...
Another inside joke.

I remember.

Some days it really hits you how time changes things. I remember when me and my eldest cousin used to be as thick as thieves. We talked all the time, never argued, sorted each other's problems out, she gave vito on any love interests I had...we were like best friends as well as cousins. I was never upset when she was there because we would always make each other laugh when we played Beach Boys and Surf Girls with all the other kids or when we just sat in the soft and talked about anything. We always wanted to sleep in there when we were at grandma and grandad's, even though it was cold, because it was like our hiding place. No-one ever knew you were there.

I remember when we went to London last year. It was the best two days in the world. We raved together on the train, laughed when I forgot that I wasn't meant to be having any chocolate and ordered a hot chocolate in Starbucks and took as many silly pictures as we could. She got renamed lava lamp because our auntie had thought that's what I'd called her, when I'd actually called her "Emma-mama-mama". We mastered the art of chopsticks - well, she did and I failed. We went on an open-top bus and laughed because we tried to take a picture and it was too windy, so we looked like were in a tornado. We just had so much fun together, it was unreal.

And now...the last time I saw her was when she came to my house. She doesn't have time around her busy social life and I feel kind of jealous. It's like I've faded out of her life. There's just this big Emma shaped hole and I don't know how to fill it.

I wish we had never grown up.

So, I haven't posted a blog in a few days.

And I really think it's time that I did. I need to get some stuff out of my system, I think, because it's dragging me down and making me feel very isolated. I appreciate that I have my friends there for me - and I honestly wouldn't change any of them for the world - but I'm finding myself losing my colour again.

I once described myself as a canvas, something vibrant and, perhaps, beautiful that people can appreciate as a work of art. Although I didn't mean it literally (yet - pink hair and tattoos will come in time), I think most people understood what I was trying to say. I'm not the sort of girl who likes to stay in one place, doing one thing all the time and staying quiet, because I believe that I was born to speak out and do something different and tour the world with my music. At the moment, music is my art. That is what I do.

I haven't sung in weeks, not unless I've had to or I've been listening to a CD in the car. But that never feels the same as sitting down at my piano and singing my heart out, just on my own. I just haven't felt like doing there. I just sorta sit down, start and then stop because I'm not in the mood. Is there anyone else out there who understands what that's like for me? I feel like a part of me - specifically, my reason for existence and my colour - has been stolen in the middle of the night and I don't really know where to look for it. I've tried busying myself with other things - with writing, with supporting bands, with phone conversations, with anything that normally works to get me back on track. But nothing is helping. I don't know what to do really.

I'm trying my best to keep my friends going right now. I'm not, in any way shape or form, saying that they're not doing their bit to help keep me going, because they really are. I think if they hadn't spent time telling me how special I am to them, I think I would've just given up and teachers would have found themselves an empty seat in the exam hall. I think I'm coping because I've only resorted to doing something stupid once, and it was only little. Yeah, I've not told anyone and it's healed now, so that's another bit over. Sorry if finding that out upset you, but I don't really think you need to worry. I think I've found closure for that bit of my life. It was stupid and unneccessary.

But, yes, basically - I'm sorta struggling right now. And maybe it comes as a surprise to a lot of you, because I always do my best to smile and make everyone else happy. When other people are happy, that's usually all that matters to me. But if I'm not quite as upbeat as you might expect, don't ask me why I'm like that - because I don't know myself - but just give me a hug or something and I'll try and cheer up.

I love you all. Please don't forget that.

PS. Insulting my friends isn't going to get you in my good books, is it? Think about what you're doing before you do that, especially when you say that you care 'so much' about me. You blatently don't if you're willing to insult others when you know that I care about them very deeply and will therefore take offence on their part. No, I haven't yet forgiven you, so don't have a rant at me.

The Days We Felt Alive

i.
I’ll spare you the fairytale,
But only if it will make you feel better.
I will not tell you how I heard your name singing in the
Cavern I called my heart.
I will also not tell you that you no longer exist,
For what is a memory to me now?

If only I could hear you read that sweet tale,
And sing that aria with your eyes.
You were the only one with room
Enough for me and my problems.
Why am I make-believe?
Why am I clawing at the memories that you have
Thrown away?

ii.
We once said we would be always,
And we promised in solemn naivety that we would become
One.
But now we have opened our eyes,
Only to be blinded by the darkness.
We always struggled to find the path;
There was never room enough for two.

What I would give for those feeble promises
To be voiced again, in that same breathless
Exhilaration that varnished our adolescence.
The darkness is cracking;
Look, come feel the warmth of the light.
The path is there –
We must become one to walk.

iii.
I am retracing your path with my fingertips,
Touching the walls to find traces of you.
Are you in the splinters that pain me?
You suffocate me with the utmost care,
And I am on the brink of adoration.
I have never believed before that I could want
Such a sweet destruction,
Or such a perfect poison.

I am no splinter.
Can you not feel my healing kiss?
Tip-toe over the edge of your fear and find solace
In this abyss that I call home.
I am your poison, your destruction.
I am your love.

This isn't very good. But I would like some feedback on it :)

Home alone

And I'm not even at home! I don't know where Ryan's disappeared off to - summat about buying dog food I think. Or moving his car. I don't even know!

I am confused dot com.

Y'know what they say about all good things...

I never knew why they say they always come to an end. And then today it hit me, like a fucking rock in the chest. Tomorrow is going to be heartbreaking and I know that. I know that I'll still hold onto people like Ches, Annabel and Ellie, but what about everyone else? To be honest, I doubt anyone really cares enough to want to keep hold of me. I know that, for the most part, my tears will be because I'm losing everyone - well, not everyone, but certainly most people.

Of course that I know that we're all going on to bigger and better things - there's loads of new opportunities out there for us, and looking back at the past isn't going to help us see when they're coming. But at the same time, I'd like to hold onto both sides - keep the old and the new together, without that gulf inbetween. And, let's face it, it really is going to be a huge fucking hole.

Aside from me being selfish...I wish, more than anything, that I could heal broken hearts. Because I hate it when I see people cry, but it hurts more when it's someone I really care about.

Closure.

I told you that there was nothing more to say,
I was I, you were you,
And with a nod, we went our own ways;
No regrets, no tears.
We were seperate entities and
That was okay.

Missing you more every day
Breathing
Difficult
Make it okay for me to forget
Why my naive lungs
Want to turn to ash.

I saw you in the park and you were with her,
And we smiled at each other like friends will.
You introduced me, told me you were hers.
She was nice enough,
All smiling, but no fun,
But I could forgive you that
Blatent error.

Knotting the bedcovers late at night
In the
Darkness
And screaming out
With no sound...
Just blood and tears
And suffocation.

I told you the truth about me once,
And it sounded like a poem.
But poems are for the intelligent and the brave,
So there are no rhymes here.
Just a mish-mash of words that
Make no real sense,
And a funny line structure that
Represents all the shattered
Pieces of my being.

I am alone and out of touch,
I held on a bit too much.
I envy the birds in the trees
And the cold, north-western breeze,
And the tide that ebbs and flows,
The opposite of my fucking sorrows.






I know it's not pretty or inspirational. But the truth very rarely is.

Fear.

Fear
-noun
A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

I had forgotten what it felt like to be afraid, and now I can't push it away.

I'm afraid of losing everything.
I'm afraid of being alone.
I'm afraid of the dark.
I'm afraid of not achieving.
And, most of all, I'm afraid that I am going to be the one who never finds anyone.

Good god, I'm depressing.

Important news.

Today I finished my song - with music and everything. These are the finished lyrics :)

Sweet Nothings and Drawn Out Lies

Holding hands in front of movie screens
Cliched lines in those cliche scenes
We fell long ago and we're pretty secure
But I'm not sure if safe's what I want anymore

I said there's comfort in control
But if we're going down, honey, I wanna let myself go

And I'll whisper into the hum of the telephone,
"Sorry, honey, but I gotta go."
You love me, that much is true
But I want adventure and there's none with you.

You've held my hand for far too long
Perhaps that's why I'm writing this song
And now it's time for our final goodbyes
Someone tell me why there's tears in my eyes?

I said there's comfort in control
But if I'm going down, honey, I gotta let you go

I wanna whisper into the hum of the telephone
"Sorry, honey, but I gotta go."
You love me, that much is true,
But I want adventure and there's none with you

[Piano interlude bit]

I said there's comfort in control
But I've gone now honey, and I let you go

I whispered into the hum of your telephone,
"Sorry, honey, but I'm leaving soon."
You love me, and I'll sorta miss you too
But I want adventure,
Yes, I want adventure
I want adventure...
And there's none
Oh no, there's none.
I want adventure and there's none with you.

Heartbeats.

I think I should rename this blog "For my bestie" because I always seem to be writing about it. Maybe that's because she's one of the most important things in my life. Actually, no, the most important thing in my life - even music seems to come second at the moment.

So, here's a poem for her. And I actually wrote it off the top of my head.

Warm hands, cold feet,
Empty hearts and busy street.
Struggling to discover peace of mind
And the euphoria we yearn find.

The notes and hugs and endless fun...
What will we do when all this is done?
I'm clawing back to grab the past
But looks like this era's over at last.

I'm making little sense, I can see
But these words are only for you and me
To read back when we're old and wise
So you can laugh with your amber eyes.

Rhymes are pretty and time is short
You were my first true cohort.
Warm hands, cold feet,
We've got a life we have to complete.
Together forever, you and I -
Rachel and Charlotte: best friends till we die.

Countdowns.

It is 11 days until Knives comes out.
It is 37 days until I see Aiden live for the second time.
It is 41 days until I finish my GCSEs.
It is 527 days till I am 18 years old. On that day, I will be getting my first tattoo.

I've given up on looking backwards. But sometimes, I still feel it tapping my shoulder and tempting me.

(And, for the record, that's my 50th blog).

Fucking hypocrite.

I just don't get some people, to be honest. Right, okay, they've had a major trauma this week - I can understand them being upset about it. God knows, I would be. I can even imagine criticising everything that the people involved did because they'd have hurt me so bad. Yes, I can understand that bit. I can also understand not wanting to talk about it because there'd be so much gossip.

But...if you don't want to talk about it, why make such a fucking fuss? Putting it in your MSN name isn't exactly keeping things on the low - and that goes for more than just the person I'm pissed off at. For fuck's sake - all you're doing there is making yourself the centre of attention and becoming the fool. We're all interested in what happened - of course we are, we're human, we like a bit of gossip every now and again - but do you really have to be such a fucking dick about it? Storming around going, "I can never forgive them!" when the day you found out you were being all nicey-nice with her and kissing him doesn't really add up in anyone's books. And the fact that you're storming around all the fucking time doesn't exactly make people want to keep outta stuff - they wanna know what's going on.

Basically, you need to grow up. I think everyone who's reading this knows who I'm talking about. Tell her if you like. But, maybe you agree with me and aren't just after another fucking fight to gossip about.

Dear Charlotte,

I have nothing really that special to say today. Today is nothing of any consequence - just another Tuesday. Today, neither of us are going to save the world and, unless it's to each other, we will probably not say anything very interesting. That's because life is like that. Until we're older, and people accept us more, we physically cannot do anything more than what we already do.

But, I'm writing this letter (well, blog) just to let you know something - I love you, okay? Sometimes I read things, or you tell me things, and I feel so upset for you, because I know what you're going through. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, I never seem to be able to make it any better for you. Maybe you don't feel it all the time, but you are loved - not only by me, but our other friends too and even my parents think you're the bees knees. Don't tell yourself that you're worthless because you're not; you have so much left to do in your life.

So what they don't give you support? A lack of support will never take away your talent or your dreams. Sometimes it's hard to go after what you want and you want someone who'll hold your hand and half-drag you towards them - god knows, I feel like that sometimes. But even if it's not them that's gonna be there for you, think of everyone else in your life who will be. You can't try to tell me there's a shortage of them. I can think of at least three, not including me.

You are a very special person in my life, Charlotte Hidderley. You've saved me from myself more than music has at times. Did you know that? No, probably not, because I don't think I've said it before. But it's true. Sometimes when I've been sat there thinking, "Fuck this, what can someone singing into a microphone do to stop all this shit?" you've appeared and been like a little star in the darkness. And I've put down the scissors and the pills and I've thought, "Y'know what, I'll keep going, just for her."

You know that if you ever need anything, then I will be here. I know you probably think, "Oh, yeah, whatever" every time that I say this, but it's the honest truth - you're not going to lose me, sweetheart. I can't physically live without you. Every time you say that I won't have time for you or whatever, I feel like I'm going to be sick because I just don't know what I'll do without you. Who else is going to wack me round the head for forgetting stuff or cuddle me when I'm upset or let me massage them? There's only one person in the world who's going to be able to fill that space and that's you.

Think positive about everything and I'll help you along.

I love you so very much.
Your Roo :)
xoxo

Good days entail:

Getting up too early without being too tired.

Being picked up in something that looks like it could eat you.

Doing 100mph on the motorway.

Diet Coke for breakfast.

Searching high and low for comics.

Meeting new people.

Walking in circles.

Stealing some sweatbands.

Going to the chippy.

Dirty dancing.

Giving roses.

Raiding someone else's facebook.

Talking about sex.

Laughing till I cry.

Getting on the bus for free.

Nursing my best friend.

Watching Christmas films.

Tickling.

Massages.

Stories.

And sleep is yet to come.

I had forgotten what it's like to have a really, truly fantastic day. And, maybe I didn't do anything of consequence - I didn't save a life, I didn't do anything particularly out of the ordinary - but I still had one of the best days that I've had in a long time. Life feels really good today.

About me.

My name is Rachel Claire Mary Gunn. I don't like it when people spell my name wrong, so I prefer to be known as Roo. I'm sixteen going on six hundred. I have brown hair (that will be pink in a few weeks, hopefully) and eyes that I can never decide on the colour of - some days it's blue, but some days it's grey. Either way, I think they're kinda pretty. I'm also pretty tall, but I wouldn't mind being a couple of inches shorter. I like my legs but I don't like my stomach, bum or boobs. I also don't like it when people remind me that the last one may as well not exist in my figure.

I get offended far to easily and cry at the drop of a hat. I hear music as colours - Slipknot is very red and angular, My Chemical Romance are blue and curvy and make patterns that are easy to remember and Aiden are a mixture of blue, red and purple, with angular and curved patterns all mixed in together. I have seen every band that I want to see before I die - Aiden, My Chemical Romance, Paramore, Mindless Self Indulgence, Slipknot and Jack's Mannequin. If I could see HIM and/or Evanescence as well, that would make my life absolutely complete.

I get lonely when I don't have anyone to dote on. The more the merrier! My best friend has to put up with it the most, but I think she doesn't mind all that much (even though I know I must get annoying). I love it when people hug me. My perfect guy would have at least one tattoo with an interesting story behind it and would write me a song that was about how the world is through his eyes and if it's changed with me around, not about how he loves me. He would also not just be interested in sex. I will therefore end up a spinster and live next door to Ches and her husband, with about a million cats.

My cat is really cute, but really, really blind. This week she's started to panic a lot and I cry about it. I don't want her to be put down because I've had her all my life and she's been fantastic. Having a kitten would be nice, but it's not the same. Bobby is my friend, because she lets me talk to her when I'm crying and nuzzles her head under my chin and it makes me feel loved. Out of all my pets ever, she's definitely been my favourite. It's a shame that she has to get old.

I really like it when people write things for me, or write things about me. Whether that's stories, or poems or blogs. I just like to know that people think about me sometimes, which sounds stupid and selfish, but it's not. I think it's because I think so highly of all of my friends and so little of myself - because, basically, I'm a shithead - that when they write something affectionate, it makes me all tear up and have a little bit of selfconfidence. I also love talking to people from different places, just to find out what their culture's like and if there are any similarities.

There is nothing I wouldn't do for my closest friends - if I thought it was going to make them happy or save them in some way, I would willingly give up my life or freedom. I don't expect the same in return. So long as they give me a cuddle every now and again, I'm more than happy to be like that. I trust them all absolutely - proved yesterday, when I allowed Annabel to cover my face in plaster. It was actually quite a fun experience. I discovered what it's like to be blind for a couple of minutes. It was fun, but I wouldn't like to be like that all the time.

I hate it when people are two-faced. What's the point of being nice to someone's face, if you're only going to talk about how much you hate them as soon as they're away from you? I hate it even more when people talk about someone that someone else in the group cares about and expects them not to take offence. It's rude, selfish and cruel. There are some people in the world that I want to slap around the face with a wet fish and tell them to get over themselves. They think that they're above everyone else, when in fact they've made no real achievements in life, so they have no right to talk about others like shit, or look down on them. Only look down on someone if you're helping them up.

That brings me to my sexuality. My sexuality is not a disease. Yes, okay, I like boys and girls; who gives a flying monkey shit? I'm still a person - a person who cares what people think about her and who wants to have a little support and affection. I hate it when people turn their back on me just because of who I find attractive. I can't choose who I like and who I don't. Believe me, if I could, I would have stayed straight because it's so much easier. There's not all the confusion and the tiptoeing around. Do you know how hard it is when you fancy another a girl? You've gotta find out if they even swing that way in the first place before you even have the chance to find out if they like you back or not. Then you have all the homophobia surrounding the fucking situation - going to an all girl's school definitely doesn't help. Yeah, watch out, you might catch my lesbian disease or worse...I might actually fancy you. Most the people that think I like them have no fucking clue - I don't go for bitches and sluts.

Life is what happens when all the "What if...?" options don't. I've had enough of holding back what I think and worrying about the consequences. I am going out with all engines on fire - you can come along for the ride, but if you can't keep up then you're going to be left behind. I'm only holding one person's hand, because she's staying with me whether she likes it or not. I am point blank refusing to let her out of my sight for the rest of my life because there's no real point in it without her.

I've never written this much about me before. It feels good.

I just don't know.

One minute, I'm fine and happy and excited, and the next I want to tear my head from my shoulders. I guess I'm just lucky that I have some people who care enough to make sure I don't self-destruct.

I love my friends.
I love the memories we have together.
I love the memories that are yet to come.

I don't care what Ches says about me not having time for her in September. I'll be at a loss if I don't see her. I don't care if I have to get 1 or 9 buses and trams to come and see her, I will still do it. She's my best friend - the only person that understands me (because, let's face it, I don't understand myself!). I'd walk through hell and back to make her happy, and I don't give a shit if you think I mean that in a more than friends way. She knows how special she is to me.

It's thanks to her I'm still breathing this morning.

A revelation.

Suddenly Psycho Sophie doesn't seem like much of a psycho. Dear god...I think I might be the psycho around here.

Another memory in the making.

In just under 8 hours time, I will be buying three tickets to go and see Aiden for the second time. I think I may actually wee - I am that excited. I really, really, really want to meet wiL again. And of course all the others. I want a picature with Nick and with Jake if possible, because they're lovely and they're the two I don't have picatures with yet. And Adele's coming to stay with me for the weekend specially! YAYYYY!

It's going to be....amazing.

Sweet Nothings and Drawn Out Lies

Don't ask about the title - I just thought it fit. Anyway - this is a little bit of a song that I have actually written. Me. Myself. I'm so proud, you can't imagine - all the lyrics I've written before have been crap and without any real meaning behind them. Well, here's to the future...let's hope I can write stuff as good as this then as well!


Sweet Nothings and Drawn Out Lies

Holding hands in front of movie screens
Clichéd lines in those cliché scenes
I fell long ago and we’re pretty secure
But I’m not sure if safe’s what I want anymore

I said there’s comfort in control
But if we’re going down, honey, I wanna let myself go

I’ll whisper into the hum of the telephone
“Sorry, honey, but I gotta go.”
You love me – that much is true –
But I want adventure, and there’s none with you.

Religion.

I want to make my views on this subject very, very clear. The last couple of days have been hell at my house, all because my family cannot seem to grasp that I am not going to blindly believe in some guy that lived and died 2000 years ago. This is not a general religious discussion - this is a blog about my views on Christianity.

As you are probably all aware, Christianity began roughly 2000 years ago, after the death and supposed resurrection of someone called Jesus of Nazareth. Bollocks. The only people who said that Jesus came back from the grave were his best mates. Let's face it, it's a pretty unlikely story. If it was someone else that had said it - perhaps someone who didn't believe in all the stuff Jesus was saying - then maybe it'd be more plausible. But, of course, Jesus only chose to 'appear' in rooms that were locked and contained only the people that had known him in life. There's no hard evidence.

Then you have the problem of the conflicting evidence. Mark's Gospel is believed to have come first out of the four gospels, according to Mrs Wood. Then can someone tell me why the three that were written hundreds of years later, with the same events happening with more symbolic stuff, are still believed? For god's sake - even the end of Mark's gospel was made up. What the hell is wrong with all you people?! You're believing someone's fucking imagination. A lot of the stuff that happens in the bible is said because it symbolises something else: the Syro-Phonecian women's daughter represents the Gentiles; the Jews choose Barabas over Jesus to be saved because the writer wanted it to make it seem like the Jews fault that Jesus was crucified, seeing as he didn't want his Roman readers to be offended....it's all a pile of fucking bullshit. How can I - or anyone, for that matter - be expected to believe in a religion that doesn't even tell the whole truth, or hides the truth in this huge cloud of symbolism?

Now, I wanna bring it forward to the modern day. Can anyone tell me why I should follow a religion where the different 'versions' can't agree with each other? They're teaching the same fucking religion, talking about the same fucking man and the same fucking god and reading from the same fucking book! But for some reason, the Roman Catholics'll say one thing, but the Free churches will say another and then the Quakers'll say summat else! What the actual hell? It's ridiculous. From what I understand, Roman Catholics don't even seem to be living on this planet - I'm allowed to say that too, seeing as I live with four of them. I asked my own father - seriously - if he would allow me to have an abortion if I'd been raped and got pregnant; he said no. Since when did the rights of a fucking ball of cells preside over mine - since my dad was a Roman Catholic, that's why. He wouldn't allow me that because he thinks that life begins at conception. Will someone tell me where in the bible it says that?

Christianity is blinding. It's a disease. I don't give a shit if everyone else reading this thinks I'm wrong and hates me forever - believe me, I've been disowned by my own family this week for saying I don't want to follow their religion. I think I can cope with losing a few other people too. I've tried and tried and tried to understand the religion and learn more about it and see if I can accept it, but I can't. It makes me physically ill. There are millions and millions of people out there in the world that are believing a 2000 year old lie.

Yes, I know some of the principals are very honourable - love your neighbour, give to the poor, respect your family, all that. I could probably accept the principals if I didn't have to follow all the other rules and regulations that go along with it - like having to go to church and worship in the set way - but that's not how Christianity works.

The world really needs to wake up.

The blog that I promised.

This is a blog for my friends. These four girls and boy make me smile, a lot. One of them I hardly speak to anymore, because he's always so busy, what with being at uni and stuff. But this blog is just me saying how much I adore these kids and why. They probably don't feel that same way back - that's fine with me. I'm not anything remotely interesting. But these kids really are; so here's a little something for them.

Charlotte - people reading this probably know her as Ches. Ches and I have been good friends since the summer of 2006. We've had some good memories; we've had some bad ones. We've had times when we've practically been at each other's throats. But the fact of the matter is that I couldn't do without this girl if I tried. I miss her when she's not around. Our weeks away in Wales have been legendary. She obsesses over Gerard Way, but that's cool. It's kinda intimidating when you walk in her room though. Either way, I don't care. She's been there for me whenever I've needed her - listening to me when I'm upset, laughing with me when I'm happy, allowing me to drag her to gigs...things that most people out there wouldn't stand for. I know that I'm a burden on her a lot of the time, but she doesn't seem to mind (most of the time!). We're best friends till forever and I know that. We've got our whole life together: we're gonna be in a band together, I'm gonna tell her who her future husband is and we're gonna stay neighbours until we're really, really old. She's a weirdo - I'm a weirdo. We fit together and our friendship is one of the most beautiful things in my life. I really love her. Honest.

Annabel - definitely one of the craziest people I have ever come across in my life. She's the kind of person that will start giggling for no real reason. And yet, she's also incredibly sensitive and loving. I still giggle when I think about our week in Italy - memories of which include a pervy salesmen, a funny Italian woman and drunk guys in a pub wanting a bang with us. She doesn't hate me, even after I dyed her hair in the shittiest way possible. I don't really know what I'd do without her because, tbh, she's one of the few people in my life that can cheer me up, no matter what's wrong with me. I really hope that she comes along with me and Ches, dressed in her penguin suit, and starts the crowds for our band. That will be the funniest thing since ever! And, of course, I hope she ends up with Patrick Stump someday :P I love Annabel - and she better effing believe it!

Ellie - boobies. That word sums Ellie up. Not just because she has big boobs (which is true) but also because she seems to have an obsession with touching everyone else's! I feel so comfortable with Ellie, and we actually talk about everything under the sun with her, including naughty things that most people would think I'm a freak for discussing. I love her poetry and all her photography. I don't know how one person has managed to cope with all the stuff that's happened to her and still be as bright and bubbly as she is, but she's done it. Her eyes fascinate me. And maybe she's sat there now, reading this with tears in her eyes and thinking, 'Oh, Roobear is silly!', but it's the truth and I have to say it. Ellie is one of the closest friends I have and I wouldn't - couldn't - trade her for anything in this world. I lobe you, Ellie!

Adele - maybe I've not known her as long as I have everyone else on this, but I don't think that really matters. Adele is actually brilliant, with no exaggeration. Our time at the Angel gig in Manchester should go in the history books, it was so much fun. All our crazy MySpace conversations are fun to think back on, including the one where we decided that we were gonna dress up for X-Factor and sing the Fast Food song. I really hope that we can go travelling together for the next Aiden shows. I think she knows secretly that she's meant to be with wiL! Whenever I write something to do with Aiden, it's always her opinion that matters the most to me, which is why I'm sorta dreading letting her read Sunsets and Car Crashes. But she is lovely and I don't really know what life would be without her now. I just hope that we stay close and have many, many, many more fun conversations, adventures and memories to come. I love you!

Scoot - is the friendliest Yeti that you'll ever meet. I remember talking to him when I was 12; he probably thought that I was the most ridiculous child that he's ever known. But we've grown up (sort of) together and it's been a fantastic friendship. He's been there for me through all the hard times...and all the good times. We've had some pretty immature moments, including the fruit war and him experimenting with his webcam, as well as all the serious ones. I couldn't ask for anyone better. He is seriously just like a big brother to me. I really can't wait for this summer - he's promised to come and see me. It will actually make my summer! I really miss him now, too, seeing as he's at uni. But he's happy and that's all that I'm really bothered about. If he gets hurt, it upsets me, just because I know how fantastic he is and how much good stuff he deserves. I love you, Scooty!

There you go. Mini essays on my closest pals. If you ain't one of them, I hope you enjoyed it anyway.

To make things easier,

Please allow me to explain. Imagine your body. Imagine having nothing inside you apart from this abyss that seems to weigh more than the entire world. Imagine that you can hide it, even though it feels like it should be dragging you under the earth beneath your feet. Imagine that, no matter how much you try to push it out and fill it with light, it still manages to be there.

And now imagine that you don't even know why your body is no longer your own.

What a drama.

(For the record, the following is fictional.)


Dear World,
I stand before you, wishing that I was different. You get those moments in life where you wish that you could change your life for the better, but to do that you have to hurt other people. I have spent my life worrying about others and I have discovered why. If I do things my way - for myself - then I am shouted down, insulted and once again made into nothing.

I am not about to condone my own actions. Right now, I wish nothing more than to be back in his arms and smiling at my children. I'd tell them that mommy ain't gonna leave again and that I missed them every second that I was away from them. Sadly, I am a terrible liar. I love my family - believe me, the six of them are my entire world...but I wanted more world than just being a wife and a mother. I wanted to be somebody. Instead, I have become a something. What kind of woman in a modern world honestly wants to stay at home and do nothing except cook for and clean up after other people. I have dreams, y'know? I have aspirations which lie beyond the kitchen and the bedroom.

Sometimes, we have to become monsters to save those we love. I am not a bad person, believe it or not. Most people find me very easy to talk to and good fun to have around. I'm eccentric, I'm always smiling, I talk all the time...and yet I say nothing. You could probably talk to me for a good few hours and quite enjoy yourself, but when we're separated, you'll realise that we talked about nothing. You won't know me any better and you'll have made no revelations. There were no secrets spilled and the gossip was common knowledge.

In short, ladies and gentlemen, I want you to stop looking for me. The person that you're searching for no longer exists and the person that's in her place needs to be earned. Friends I might have once called close are pretending that I don't exist. I miss my family, ladies and gentlemen, but I'm not sure I belong there.

Always remember - even roses have thorns. But I am a nettle, and I'm poisonous.
R xo

25 facts.

I'm bored in music (what a surprise) and so I feel like doing another list of facts about me. These are all completely random so, if you don't quite get summat, just ask me about it and I'll do my very best to explain it for you.

1. I am terrified of the dark.
2. I have dreams sometimes that are so realistic that I swear they're the future. Unfortunately, the situations that I dream will almost certainly never happen.
3. I don't believe in a god or Jesus. I believe that, yes, there is a higher power, but giving it a name is bloody stupid.
4. People think I'm an attention seeker. It's partly true - I just like to have support and assurance.
5. I sometimes wish that the life I had before I was 13 could be chopped out of my history.
6. I once had a panic attack because I was convinced that I was insane and that I was going to be taken away in a straight-jacket.
7. Ches is the bestest friend I have ever had. Bar none.
8. I am secretly adventurous.
9. I have the smallest appetite of anyone that I know of. I once went for three days with only one packet of crisps and I didn't get hungry.
10. I probably have an alright figure, but I see myself as practically obese when I look in the mirror. It's because I've been bullied so much in my life. If I talk about being fat, I'm not looking for attention there. I honestly think it.
11. William Roy Francis is amazing and has saved my life so many times.
12. I love making new friends.
13. I am convinced that we used to have a poltergeist in our house.
14. I get really, really, really happy whenever anyone compliments me.
15. I'm a virgin.
16. I would be lost without my iPod.
17. I could play Tetris all day without getting bored. It's the best game in the whole entire world.
18. My closest friends are: Ches, Annabel, Ellie, Adele and Scoot. I may write a blog just talking about them all at some point, just to let them know that I love 'um :) They probably don't even feel the same way about me, but it's how I feel about them. They're there for me all the time and I can never thank them enough!
19. I over-use smiley faces all the time when I'm typing!
20. It offends me most when people insult my singing. I can deal with being called fat and ugly and a bitch and whutever, but if someone says to me, "You're a crap singer", then I feel like going and cutting my own head off.
21. I adore the number 7.
22. I'm scared of failure, and I don't deal well with it.
23. The best gig that I have ever been to in my whole entire life was Aiden on the 1st October 2008. It has seriously affected the way that I live my life. William Control also helped, because I was lucky enough to meet wiL. But it was the Aiden gig, not the William Control gig, that inspired me most.
24. I can't stand unstraight lines. I know I put that one in my last one, but it's fucking true!
25. I swear all the time, and I should really, really stop. I tried to give up swearing for lent...I didn't even last an hour. That's how foul my language is.

Well there you go :) Another little insight into what it's like to be me!

hcfsoahfsa.

Fucking bitch.
Wannabe slut.
Cunt.
Dick.
Ugly.
Tart.
Fat.
Stupid.
Messed up.
Freak.
Weirdo.
Emo.
Geek.
Shithead.
Mistake.

Roo.

Look at me.

I'm going to pretend that today is a good day. Nothing is going wrong, and now I'm going to have loads of free time because the show has finished.

But at the same time...why did the optimism that I felt this morning vanished just because I know that I'll probably never going to talk to them again? And because I know that they won't miss me like I miss them right now. Ah well - I'm not the kind of person that leaves a lasting impression, or that people miss. They just see me as the girl who smiled at them once in a while, or who sat next to them and talked about nothing in particular. A nice girl - pleasant - but nothing much more than that.


"She
She screams in silence
A sullen riot penetrating through her mind
Waiting for a sign
To smash the silence with the brick of self-control

Are you locked up in a world
Thats been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you

She
She's figured out
All her doubts were someone else's point of view
Waking up this time
To smash the silence with the brick of self-control

Are you locked up in a world
Thats been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you

Are you locked up in a world
Thats been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed

I'm taking heed just for you."

My kind of optimism.

Mirror, mirror, on the floor
I've no need for you anymore.
You lie and say I'm not good enough
So I'm leaving you with my image and finding honesty.

I might have never been on the front cover of a magazine,
Maybe never had anyone think I'm perfect.
But, look, I'm alive - why am I looking for more than that?
There's a simple perfection in breathing and in a human heartbeat.
Why was I ever afraid of a sheet of glass?

The scars are fading, and so are the memories.
I think it's time for a new life,
A new start.
And perhaps this doesn't make sense.
But what sense did I ever make when talking to you?

Mirror, mirror, on the floor
I've no need for you anymore.

This is for my best friend.

There are some people in the world that you just can't live without. Sometimes it's because you don't have a choice - your family being one example. But at other times, it's because you don't want to live without them or because, if you even try, you know that you won't be living. You'll just be there and that'll be it.

I'm sat here in music right now, and I'm thinking about my best friend. I don't know why - I do it alot. I'm not like obsessed with her or anything, and I don't see her in a sexual way, but I do think about her. If she's had a bad day, I try and go over the reasons why that might have been in my head and then trying to think of ways that I could help her. Sometimes it's because we've been having loads of fun together, and I'm just remembering it and smiling to myself and thinking, "I can't wait to get home so that we can talk about it again."

And then, at times like this, it's just because I realise how much I love her. She's so bloody important to me, and I've never, ever, ever met anyone that's been there for me as much as she has. Hopefully she'll read this and be smiling, and (knowing her) be thinking that she doesn't deserve to be spoke of so highly. But take it from me, kids, this isn't even half the praise that she deserves.

Sometimes we argue, but that's okay. We make up again and are usually laughing after another few minutes. And maybe we're not going to be going to the same school next year, but that doesn't mean our relationship has to become any weaker. Jesus, if it does, I might as well go jump off a cliff! I can't do without my Ches, and that's a damn fact. I can't be without our silly little jokes, our make-believe lives that we came up with over the internet, the times she twists the stalk on an apple with me saying names and the hundreds of millions of times that she's saved my life.

Every time she says that I'm her best friend, she saves me.
Every time she smiles when she thinks about the future, she saves me.
Dammit, she even saves me every time she shouts at me.

I've got tears in my eyes now. I know this is a totally random blog, but I really felt it was a good time to write it. God knows why - it was all just there inside and it had to be said.

I love my Ches - forever and always.

It's quite amusing, really.

My family gave me a dozen white roses last night, just to say good luck for the show. It actually nearly made me cry - thought it was really thoughtful. Actually turned out that it was my brother's childminder's idea, but never mind! It's the thought that counts at the end of the day, and I think that was really, really sweet.

The show went well! We finally got a laugh when Ayesha threw the water at me, so I definitely felt a lot better about that. I also came to realise last night that the show has, once again, helped me to make a few new friends. Chris, of course, is one to mention, especially seeing as I have to crush him when I sit on his knee every night. But, also, people like Grace and Fraiser. I never particularly talked to them before, and now we do. Grace, Nicky and I were all having a good giggle about girls fancying other girls and guys fancying other guys when we were in the dressing room yesterday, and me and Fraiser were dancing around together, trying to do my scene as Fagin. It was really, really good fun, and I really enjoyed it. I'm so glad, now, that I decided to get involved again, because - even though it's caused me a lot of stress - being in the show is the best thing that I have ever decided to do while I was at school.

Bar none.

Getting stuff out of my system.

For the record, I don't enjoy being depressed. It just happens a lot. Even when people think that I'm happy, usually on the inside I feel like shit. I have this tendency to hide my problems and try and pretend they're not there, for the simple reason that I feel that, compared to everyone else, I have nothing to complain about. It's true, I know it is. But when I do decide to be honest for once, I don't expect to have it thrown back in my face, especially by someone who I was there for when they were upset over something that really didn't mean anything. It really offends me that she didn't even pretend to care. Proof that, yes, she is a self-centred little bitch.

Second point I want to make - attention seekers really fucking piss me off. Everyone says that I'm an attention seeker because I'm loud and often quite stupid and obnoxious, but (unfortunately) that is me being me. I am naturally loud because I'm an expressive person. I like making everyone else happy and I like making everyone else laugh. I guess I'm like the clown in Rorschach's joke. But, anyway, not the point. I don't like being the centre of attention unless I'm singing, and that's only because I want people to sit up and take notice that no matter what's going on in their lives, they can still do the stuff that they know, deep down, they were born to do. I don't do things to myself, then lie about what happened just so that people will take an interest in me. But then again, I guess some people are just determined to have something going wrong with their lives, even if all the guys seem to drool after them and they're like a genius. Ha.

I also really don't like the fact that teachers seem to have no emotions whatsoever, and certainly no sympathy. I've been basically laughed at today by a teacher because I hate lines not being straight and the right length. Does anyone else see what's wrong with that, really? Yes, okay, sometimes it takes me longer to do my work than other people, but at least I'm doing it, y'know? At least I'm actually making an effort with my work. I don't even want to do anything with that subject anyway - I'm doing it because I have to. No other reason.

And finally, I want to apoligise to a lot of people. I'm sorry that I've done so much crying this week, especially these past couple of days. I've been really trying to hold myself together, but I'm sort of sellotaped at the seams at the minute. Don't worry about it, I'll have it sorted soon, I hope. I'll be back to my normal smiling self as soon as I can be and we'll all be able to put those outbursts behind us. As long as teachers don't start asking questions then I'll be okay.

That was a really long blog. Wow.

A glimpse inside.

Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawling
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm calling
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm falling, I'm falling...

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm falling
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm calling
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm falling, I'm falling

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

Hurry I'm falling
All I need is you
Come please I'm calling
And oh, I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm falling,
I'm falling

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

Hurry I'm falling.